With cautious optimism, I feel the energy that was once flow through me once more. If you would have asked me a year or two ago where my thoughts lied, I would have said that I was done with everything psychic in nature and was ready to move on with life. I would have answered that all was under control and all was well enough. Everything still is in my control, but I have reached critical mass where the eternal nothingness of everything has forced me not to evolve but to evert into a new position on the plane of all things. Psychopathy may still be in my bones, but it is now appreciated, though laser-focused in its use, and I have shed all labels. I may refer to psychopathy by name in the future, but really there is only one focus now: my flavor of “crazy” in this world gone mad.
The truth is, I am seeking escape from the mindfucking void of it all. I’m tired up dropping thousands at casinos, winning thousands at the same, and not feeling a thing good, bad, or otherwise. I’m exhausted from the mundane. It is time to rekindle a love for life or the best approximation I am capable of. This requires a new focus and hyper determination. I don’t know where this road is going, but the fact that I can see curves ahead is tantalizing enough.
Get in the car; we’re going for a ride.
This December will mark the 5-year anniversary of putting my book out for the world to read. A lot has changed since then. While I do maintain that the experiences in the book are 100% accurate up to the limits of memory, I also feel that some facets of my personality have receded to the point of vanishing. While I was once a proponent of therapy, I am no longer; the costs of guided exploration outweigh the benefits. I can only wonder what correlation exists between symptomatic outbursts and the presence of a professional that should be engaged in curbing such. In my case, having quit therapy two years ago, I have achieved greater realization and stability without my former therapist’s assistance than I ever did with.
If I must choose diagnoses or labels that pertain these days, I would say that we got it right with the proclamation of psychopathy. While I am nowhere near the force of destruction of my teens and 20s, I still have limited goals, self-control, and an insatiable need for stimulation that will never be met. If the PCL-R were administered today, I probably would no longer register as psychopathic, but as serving as a historical marker in my life, I do believe it was correct for the story up to that fateful day in 2013.
What I question most is the diagnosis of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I did have great problems with black and white thinking and a terrible fear of abandonment, but life goes on and I’ve learned to accept the greyscale of life and the finality of decisions. BPD is supposedly able to be mitigated, but at the same time, I did not put in any effort in subsiding those destructive impulses and cognitions. Simply and frankly put, by removing therapy – the constant reminder of action and reaction – from my life, the symptoms more or less cleared up on their own. Unlike psychopathy, whose influence can extend far beyond the damage inflicted on others, BPD is measured almost entirely on the damage dealt to the self and everyone else. It’s too coincidental that those forces dissipated almost immediately upon exiting therapy, and I do believe my former therapist ‘got it wrong.’
I don’t think any of this changes the power of the words I put forth five years ago. The story up to that point was consistent for the most part, although exacerbated under the “care” of my therapist. If we remove that small slice of life when I was in therapy, the story is mostly unchanged. However, I do think that inconsistencies found since then need to be examined and deconstructed.
The conclusion of this will be revealed later this week. There is only one possible ending for this current arc, and it is the glorious realization that labels mean positively nothing to those who transcend.
I’ll have an announcement later this week.
In the meantime, I have checked my email (finally) and have followed up with most everyone that sent me an inquiry over the past few months. I will try to be better when it comes to checking email on a semi-regular basis.
tick … tock … tick … tock …
It seems the end of all things is arriving sooner than most of us would have ever thought. The Earth is dying. Politics may as well be the result of a computer program that enacts then repeals policy every four years. The torchbearers of the current age are more radical than ever, and with the constant weeping and gnashing of teeth of identity politics, a reasonable solution to the myriad problems the world faces seems more and more out of reach. So what do we do? Nothing, except buckle up and enjoy the ride.
I saw a tweet long ago from an account whose name I don’t remember. I cannot quote it verbatim, but the summary remains timely: “When you have a ticket to an attraction and are next in line to enjoy it, what force should cause you to abandon that experience? Nothing.” We are at the ultimate crossroads for the ultimate attraction. I don’t know about you, but I eagerly await either outcome: a resurrection from the dead, or the end of all things. Curiosity fills me, though I suspect it’s the latter and not the former.
Now, we do not have to be passive as the End unfolds. No, we can accelerate it, or even disrupt it if we’d like. I propose that we embrace the absurd. If Fate has chosen the final breaths of our species and the time in which we exhale for the final time, then we can certainly write the obituary any way we can imagine. Let’s abandon civility and all it entails. Replacing democracy with computer programs? Why not? Inventing new identities to replace those that have categorically failed us? Sure. Anything and everything is better than the status quo which leads us to death without any semblance of entertainment in return.
Jesus. I haven’t posted in six months and WordPress has changed, so bear with me if the formatting is off. The world has continued without me, and I suppose that’s fine. I am wandering, without a mission, I suppose, having recalibrated to focus less on the demons inside me and more on the positive actions I can have on others. Fake it ’til you make it, I guess. At the same time, I greatly miss a sense of direction, as I had nearly six years ago when I started this website as a means of better understanding what differentiated me from any other human being on this planet.
It’s time to recalibrate again. I have ideas for other endeavors, other journeys, but little idea for my home in the underbelly of the Internet. Does anyone have a suggestion of what, if anything, there is left to do here? The world is yours, after all. I am merely but an egotistical servant (yes, the contradiction is not lost on me), so I am asking for guidance where I once was sherpa. What can I do for you? What is left to examine? I have an idea for a follow up to my self-published book, but I have to rebuild my stamina to undertake such a psychically exhuasting endeavor.
In the meantime, I continue to drift. A new reality has dawned, and I am not sure that the lack of purpose it brings is sustainable for me. Recalibrating…
While I embrace the transience of my relationships with others, I still find it unsatisfying that those brief interpersonal relationships are growing fewer and farther between. It’s hard to go from person to person when you cannot obtain person-things to begin with. Something about me says “stay away.” Some aura I give warns others that only pestilence will be had if they bring me into their lives. I don’t know that I’ll ever understand why this happens. I don’t see anything that needs to be changed about me. I’m not even hellbent on destroying interpersonal relationships anymore. Nevertheless, there is something that screams danger about me.
Continue reading Aura
I feel like I can now write on a more regular basis, like I once did. A break for most of the past two years was definitely in order, as I had burned myself out and tried some other life experiments to try and find some footing, but now it is time to focus on the one thing that goes beyond me – my writing. Do not misunderstand, I am still the same egocentric individual that I always have been, but there is a symbiotic relationship between my boredom and my ability to communicate with others. If you are new to this blog, welcome, and if you are a veteran of my writings, thank you. It feels good to be back.
Continue reading Rejuvenation
I have always been shadow, as have you. I simply rejoice in my place in the lands between light and dark, whereas you pretend that all is bright and pure.
Continue reading The Lake of Fire
If I had to pick the common denominator in all of the failed interpersonal relationships – friends, romantic partners, family, etc. – throughout my life, it is me. Some may have left because I was too emotionally absent, while others may have left when I was overtly callous toward them, but it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, it was my actions or inactions that caused nearly every interpersonal relationship that has come my way to collapse. My wiring will never change, even as I mellow and embrace relative responsibility, so rather than run from those bridges I burn, I must turn to their light to better understand my own place on this earth.
Continue reading The Bridges I Burn (Light My Way)
I’m apathetic these days. The entire world, it seems, is gaslighting each other into believing in the very worst in humanity. We seem to be on the precipice of something but what that is, I do not know. Sensationalism and a clear binary partitioning of the masses have trumped discourse and have negated a desire to find common ground between any two individuals that surely have some worth outside of the fire and brimstone sociopolitical climate. It’s sickening to the point that I no longer feel sick thinking about it. I sit back as an observer, wondering whether the madness will end before I am no longer able to observe.
Continue reading Vaporize