I’m Not Dead Yet

It’s been many years since I’ve written a post on this site. Hell, I even deleted the site in 2021 as I fumbled trying to retcon my past. I convinced myself for a few years that all that psychotherapy, all my experiences, everything, was just a ruse, that I wasn’t as disordered as I was made to believe. God damn it, I was wrong – I cannot escape the beast that gnaws at me and guides me with its dark hand.

The listlessness and eternal boredom are still real. The impulsivity of extremity is real as well. The wanton disregard of the needs and desires of others… the list goes on. I can try to run from it, but all that did was cause me to lose the focus and resolve I had on keeping my demons in check. With my tail between my legs, I’m re-entering psychotherapy, albeit with a different professional.

I did call my former therapist while searching the landscape in St. Louis for a proper therapist that wouldn’t just cast me aside if I were to open up. The former therapist was surprised that I wasn’t dead or in jail, and they reminded me of the importance of mindfulness. However, having not routinely practiced active mindfulness in years, it is clear that such is easier said than done. That said, I must move forward. Having just enough mindfulness to be aware of my failings but not enough to change anything these days won’t cut it. I have to recall my past fortitude and resolve and evolve.

I need to go back and re-read many of the posts on this site. Many of them have probably not aged well. Also, as part of the resurrection of the contents of this site, all comments have been purged and tags lost, so I need to add meaningful tags to the 600+ posts I have written over the years. I will not revive the comments, it’s time to start fresh there with new perspectives from a new generation of antisocials and narcissists.

This is who I am. It’s time to get to work, again.

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