I don’t particularly know what to write about these days. In many ways, I’ve said all there is to say and more regarding ASPD and psychopathy. I’m in limbo as I reflect on my life and continue with the struggle between restraint and an actual desire to become more prosocial. Restraint, in and of itself, is merely a state of latent aggression. If I am merely showing restraint, then it is easy to understand that my underpinnings are still aligned in an antisocial fashion. However, I am having difficulty articulating why I would want to show organic progress toward behaving prosocially. I believe there is color to life that I miss out on – and possibly will always miss out on due to my natural state – and I want to see with clarity the vividness that others do. I want to love and be loved to the best of my ability. I want to feel connected to the world at large. I suppose it is that yearning for interconnectedness that gives me pause. But, is that desire counterproductive and should I abandon my advantage solely because I want to feel purpose and acceptance?
In two very different situations as of late, I have chosen kindness over callousness. I do not wish to go into detail, but it will suffice to say that in both instances, the fact that I was kind and compassionate did nothing for me. It was disastrous, in fact. Of course, a prosocial dance requires a partner. Maybe after years of abuse and neglect, I lack the insight to make educated decisions as to whom I trust. By being kind and surrendering myself to another person, I, in essence, became subjugated to their will rather than my own. I was chasing those colors described in the previous paragraph and was burned as a result. I do not know whether to succumb to the possible reality of being isolated from the interconnected world around me. If I decide to return to my callous ways – of which I can still channel as needed, possibly automatically – then I am precluding any possibility of seeing beyond monochrome. If I continue to expose my soft underbelly, and others are less than angelic, then I will continue to be hurt. I do not know whether to continue to take chances.
Maybe this is a point in my life in which I no longer have the answers. I yearn for something that I have never had and I fear becoming hurt once more. I am unconcerned with matters of vengeance as I am simply tired of this awkward dance that I never was trained to perform. What do you think? What should I be doing? I am proof that individuals are individuals and that there is some degree of change that can be had for the disordered individual. That said, would I be happiest if I returned to that state that I vowed to leave forever?