I don’t particularly know what to write about these days.  In many ways, I’ve said all there is to say and more regarding ASPD and psychopathy.  I’m in limbo as I reflect on my life and continue with the struggle between restraint and an actual desire to become more prosocial.  Restraint, in and of itself, is merely a state of latent aggression.  If I am merely showing restraint, then it is easy to understand that my underpinnings are still aligned in an antisocial fashion.  However, I am having difficulty articulating why I would want to show organic progress toward behaving prosocially.  I believe there is color to life that I miss out on – and possibly will always miss out on due to my natural state – and I want to see with clarity the vividness that others do.  I want to love and be loved to the best of my ability.  I want to feel connected to the world at large.  I suppose it is that yearning for interconnectedness that gives me pause.  But, is that desire counterproductive and should I abandon my advantage solely because I want to feel purpose and acceptance?

In two very different situations as of late, I have chosen kindness over callousness.   I do not wish to go into detail, but it will suffice to say that in both instances, the fact that I was kind and compassionate did nothing for me.  It was disastrous, in fact.  Of course, a prosocial dance requires a partner.  Maybe after years of abuse and neglect, I lack the insight to make educated decisions as to whom I trust.  By being kind and surrendering myself to another person, I, in essence, became subjugated to their will rather than my own.  I was chasing those colors described in the previous paragraph and was burned as a result.  I do not know whether to succumb to the possible reality of being isolated from the interconnected world around me.  If I decide to return to my callous ways – of which I can still channel as needed, possibly automatically – then I am precluding any possibility of seeing beyond monochrome.  If I continue to expose my soft underbelly, and others are less than angelic, then I will continue to be hurt.  I do not know whether to continue to take chances.

Maybe this is a point in my life in which I no longer have the answers.  I yearn for something that I have never had and I fear becoming hurt once more.  I am unconcerned with matters of vengeance as I am simply tired of this awkward dance that I never was trained to perform.  What do you think?  What should I be doing?  I am proof that individuals are individuals and that there is some degree of change that can be had for the disordered individual.  That said, would I be happiest if I returned to that state that I vowed to leave forever?

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