I ended therapy for the time being. The sessions as of late were incredibly one-sided, with my drive to change problematic behaviors nearing zero. Therapy is only effective if the person receiving therapy is open to change. Right now, I’m struggling to make it from day to day, dealing with the unforgiving assault of organic and environmental depression. I could change things. I could find activities and mantras that would help ease the pain that I live with currently. I could reduce my chain smoking and disdain for my health. I could change many things. However, I do not wish to at this time. I suppose on some level, chaos and a slow death is working for me, and until I come around, there is simply no point in wasting my therapist’s time or that of my own. All of this parallels the decision psychopaths have to make regarding their behaviors. If there is no desire to rein in one’s destructive behaviors, then no amount of coaching or analysis showing the benefits of such will resonate. A psychopath has free will, of course, but she must choose wisely when it comes to using that free will. She can choose to be a force of destruction, leaving lives – including her own – in the wake, or she can channel her energy into adapting to the mold that society requires. Ultimately, this decision lies solely with her.
A disorder is made up of individual traits that come together to wreck oneself or others. A destructive trait, while problematic on its own, is not sufficient for the declaration of a disorder. There is a certain degree of self-destruction required for a set of behaviors to register as truly disordered. You have weak and shallow emotions? Great. Maybe this is problematic as you feel that you are missing out on the richness of life. However, it takes much more than that to register as psychopathic, for example. If your life is going well, as are the lives of those around you, then you are probably not psychopathic. I know that some authors, such as James Fallon, push the validity of psychopathy in those that would not register as such on the PCL-R, for instance. To me, this is insanity. Why should those that live non-disordered lives lay claim to the struggles that those with the disorder (and/or those around them) have? Ideally, one would not wish to be psychopathic. Why would you want to have a malady of the soul, after all?
You can always choose your own adventure, so long as the outcome is line with the will of the masses. I’ve written before of how morality is often forced upon us in the media that we consume. This morality is often arbitrary and is relative to the will of the larger population. Psychopaths may have bloodlust – of this, I am firmly convinced – but many do not act on the violent imagery that goes through our heads. What harm is there in anyone, psychopath or neurotypical, in exploring such bloodlust in the realm of fiction? Surely this is not a desire that is limited to the psychopath, for violent video games and movies often dominate. I am often ruffled by the forced decision in media to embrace that which is “good” or “pure.” I want to, more often than not, embrace those violent images that I cannot act on but desperately want to see play out. I want to be able to enjoy my media as I enjoy my dark imaginings. What does this matter? If I am not hurting anyone, which I am not and will not, then why can’t I play out the lurid scenes that reside in my head?
This comment is particularly interesting. The comparison between depression and psychopathic impulsivity seems particularly apt when we consider the numbness that the psychopath lives through in life. This “numbness” is often referred to as psychopathic boredom or the psychopath’s need for stimulation. Nothing satisfies, so the psychopath turns to more and more extreme measures in order to feel anything satisfying regarding life. Some snuff themselves in this fashion, and many others end up in jail seeking a short-lived high. When neurotypicals speak of ‘boredom,’ they mean that they’d rather be doing something other than that which they are engaged in at that moment. When a psychopath speaks of ‘boredom,’ he means that he is numb and seeking anything that will release him from that state, knowing full and well that the odds are against him in finding such a panacea.
Come crawling to me when your impulsivity surrenders you to the deepest depths of financial, legal, or interpersonal hell. I’m sick and tired of individuals assessing themselves in the absence of clear and conclusive evidence of psychopathy. It takes far more than a few poor and rash decisions here and there to reach the heights of psychopathic impulsivity. Let’s talk about a complete disregard for your life. Let’s talk about a complete disregard for the lives of others. If your actions aren’t off the cuff to the point where lives are potentially ruined, you probably do not meet the criteria for psychopathic impulsivity. I’ve discussed numerous times my patterns of risky and impulsive alcohol and substance abuse as well as my excessive and consistent spending that has left me more than underwater. Sexual promiscuity also ties in as people like me tend to find any and all hookups with little concern to anything but the moment. Simply put, your definition of impulsivity and mine probably differ to a great degree.
It was nearly a decade ago. My aunt was battling stage III ovarian cancer and was in the borderlands between life and death. Her hair gone, her voice weakened, she continued to soldier on, driven solely by the love of those around her – a love that I did not partake in. My aunt was my mother figure growing up. She and my grandparents were responsible for showing me the love and care that my parents never did. While I faced abuse at home, I received only the tenderest of emotional support at my grandparents’. It was around this time, nearly a decade ago, that I began transitioning from male to female. I had few allies at home and my efforts to soften the blow by outing my brother (as gay) seemed to do little. While my aunt was fighting for her life, I demanded that she begin the conversation at home that I would not. She would be the messenger of bad news for me. 10 years later, I am still unsure to the extent that I love her. She has bent over backwards at every step to ensure that I live a fruitful life, but I simply cannot muster the emotional bond for her that I have for select others. No emotional bond, no affective empathy. One day she will pass and I wonder: will I care then those things that I do not care now?
Most of my kind are rotting in jail. Why? Because they are mindless automatons that succumb to desire in its purest form. They do not know restraint and they fall to the will of impulsivity. More importantly, they are completely unaware of their own inner workings. They fail to realize that careful dance that must be performed between the chasm and the abyss. Do not misunderstand me, even with self-awareness, the damage inflicted by the disorder can be absolute. My impulsivity and irritability have left me in relative desolation over the years and I am as self-aware as the psychopath comes. I am not foolish enough to inflict sufficient damage upon anyone to result in my incarceration. That does not mean that I do not desire such acts, just that I have the awareness not to succumb to desire.
Do not misunderstand me. I am no one’s advocate except my own. I care not for the masses foolish enough to be manhandled by the antisocial and psychopathic demons around them. Nor do I care for those in which I see my own reflection. What I do is for myself. My ego may not be fragile enough nor hungry enough to require me to show my talents for all too see, but my will demands that I be in control. To be in control demands that I control the discourse to the best of my ability. To be in control dictates that I become both entertainer and educator. And, this I do gladly even if I feel little reward in return. Do you want to know the depths of darkness? Do you wish to become acquainted with the self-destruction and fury of the psychopath? Longtime readers would know that you’ve come to the right place. Moving forward, I will revisit topics that dominated the first two years of this blog though with insights that are more current. I am not cured and I never will be. What I am, however, is more aware than ever before.
I’ll be done with this arc soon enough, and I ask you, my valued reader, to bear with me while I flesh out this confusing time. Longtime readers will note that I have not been writing much lately. This is partially due to the fact that I have written so many angles on the subjects of ASPD and psychopathy that it becomes harder with each post to find new material that is insightful and engaging for new and old reader alike. More than this, however, I have found disdain for my communication circles that revolve around antisocials and narcissists. I grow tired of listening to stories of caricature, knowing all too well that I once was cartoonish with my antics as well. There is only so much benefit, of which diminishing returns had more than arrived, in communicating with the damned. I am tired of standing up for those that will not embrace their individuality. I may be mostly unconcerned with issues of morality, but I am an ardent believer in the fact that individuals are ultimately responsible for their own fate. Combine this with the fact that I have often been taken advantage of given my willingness to be a resource, and the discourse became less and less important to me. Where do I go from here? I do not yet know.
I find that I can “turn on” affective empathy for those limited few that I form emotional bonds with. The degree to which my affective empathy is expressed is directly proportional to the strength of that emotional bond. Granted, there are many hurdles involved in forming emotional bonds, and I can count on one hand the number of emotional bonds that I have formed in recent memory and none of them have survived more than a few months before becoming of lesser intensity. All of this is confusing, however, given that in the twenty-six years before therapy, I felt none of this. Therapy is molding me and changing me, though at a glacial pace, and I wonder where I end and conditioning begins. I cannot discount the usefulness of having a paid professional helping sort out my myriad strengths and weaknesses, but I wonder if I am losing myself in the process.