It seems a bit ironic that a creature of impulse cannot stand the stochastic processes that go through the minds of those around her. I need direction and insight at all times into the behavior of those around me. I need to know when others are stuck in the quagmire and I need to know that they are making progress in getting unstuck. Of course, this is only relevant when it pertains to me. I am a creature of schedules and road maps even though I am apt to buck either when it suits me. As I continue to evolve in this post-antisocial world of mine, I try my hardest to limit my frustrations to situations and not people. However, I am certain that such frustrations are a function of my narcissism, as to flounder is to waste both my time and my ego – things that I value very deeply. If this is true – that narcissism drives my need to have the stars charted and the cartographers’ work completed – then it is something I must work on as with everything else.
The focus of therapy has changed over time. Before the diagnoses of ASPD, NPD, and BPD and the confirmation of psychopathy, the focus was solely in keeping me alive through the ups and downs of my Bipolar Disorder. After electro-convulsive therapy – which mostly stabilized my Bipolar ways – we focused on my antisocial behavior. Eventually, I would learn how to better control my antisocial energies and the focus would shift again to new bouts of depression and hypomania. This is not the current arc, however. Through nearly five years of psychotherapy, I’ve learned to mellow and to expand my abilities. Simply put, I did not know if I would ever be able to “care” about anything. My life, the life of others, and the shared experiences that we hold were simply irrelevant for the first thirty years of my life. I didn’t know I cared until I cared.
Heavily bandaged, shrapnel in my side, the shell calls me again. The shell. The self. The shell. The self. Where does one end and the other begin? The barbed-wire baton is passed back and forth quicker than the eye can see. No reflection. All reflections. Introspection. Contradiction. Why cannot I maintain who I am?
Napalm showers to show this coward that my brain’s not here to fuck around. Brain matter on the wall, dripping as it falls, only to remind myself of the cyclical nature of it all. Blood boiling, ground soiled, the rage is here again. It won’t stay, I hope and pray, and the status quo will this time stay. Clusterfucked, thunderstruck, it will all come back one day. No control, ripped and torn, I wait for the deluge to end. Sinew flowing, mind-blowing, just please God, let it all stop.
A common theme throughout my book is that of passing. Passing is the act of successfully convincing another person that you are something that you are not. A transgender person passes when pass through spaces gendered according to their target gender undetected. A psychopath passes whenever others are not aware of his callousness or affective empathy deficit. Passing, of course, applies to other groups as well. A person seeking a promotion needs to pass as confident, regardless of any inner shaking. The father consoling his scared daughter needs to pass as fearless. Passing, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. It is a mechanism for survival and for advancement that humans have adopted for millennia. As with all things, it can certainly be spun in an impure fashion, however.
It is well known that psychopaths lack remorse for their antisocial actions. However, I fail to see why remorse is necessary to the human condition. Remorse is a feeling state. As with all feeling states, it passes. Therefore, many are assigning arbitrary weight to a transient emotion. Those that place value on remorse suggest that it is necessary for the reformation of a person doing bad deeds. However, there are plenty of other incentives for one not to revisit their antisocial ways. Nonetheless, people live and die by their capacity to feel remorse – see sentencing criteria for cases potentially involving the death penalty. A logical mind should be able to “reform” without emotions clouding their judgement. A logical mind has no use for such a self-loathing state.
I keep reading posts on social media where neurotypicals are trying to dismiss ASPD symptoms as unnecessary for someone to be antisocial. “Before you stigmatize those with ASPD, remember that there are those out there that are behaving prosocially and are just trying to make it through each day,” is a common refrain. This is misguided. For one to have ASPD, there must be a level of disorder present. Kicking a cat once is not grounds for the disorder. Stealing or getting in a fight back in the day also does not merit a diagnosis of ASPD. Simply put, the behaviors of the candidate must be so severe as to cause consistent and measurable distress for either the person with ASPD or those around her. That is, the antisocial must be in distress (whether or not they consider it distress) marked by unstable interpersonal relationships, inconsistent employment, legal trouble, financial destitution, etc. Or, those around the antisocial must have their quality of life diminished by the actions of the antisocial. At the time of diagnosis, there is no such thing as an antisocial that is mostly prosocial as that would not be considered disordered. Stop making the disorder out to be something that it is not. Dilution solves nothing.
I am skeptical of any so-called alliance bewteen neurotypicals and psychopaths. While I have written before on the preposterous nature of such an alliance – as it makes a fool out of both the psychopath and the neurotypical – I believe that such an alliance is impossible anyway. That does not mean that there cannot be peace between the two groups, but as with any partition of the human condition, the haves will fight the have-nots and vice versa. We see this all the time with partitions. The wealthy exploit the poor. The poor seek legislation to limit the wealthy. Those that are sick want the resources of the healthy. Those that are healthy are only willing to help the sick that “deserve it.” So on and so forth. Whenever a partition exists, strife and consternation are sure to follow. Why then would a partition between those with teeth and those without be any different?