I suppose that I’ll start this post with an update on the state of the blog. I’m obviously not updating on a regular basis anymore and I do not necessarily expect that to change. Over 500 posts in, I am out of new ground to cover. I cannot think of any relevant topics that I have not touched upon. A belief that I hold dear is that one should not speak unless they have something witty, informative, or entertaining to say, and I know that as of late, I have not had any thoughts to share that do any of those three things. I have not decided whether this blog will continue on and serve as a historical record with limited updates. I have not decided that it won’t. Time will tell.
I’ve moved to a new town and face old challenges. My greatest suffering comes from my staunch belief that masking is anathema. I want to live a genuine life on my terms. Masking is presenting someone that I am not. Masking requires that I reject what makes me, me. In some areas, this works fine for me. The cold professional that achieves results by any means necessary? Appreciated. The stoic individual that usually cannot be worked up over the distress that others feel? Acceptable. The cold heart that cannot touch another individual because she cannot care if she cared? Not so good.
My achilles’ heel is that I am a social individual. Note, ‘social’ denotes a wish for social interaction, but not necessarily in a ‘prosocial’ manner. The social contract requires that individuals that wish to be cared about must first care about others. This is where I falter. New town, old challenges. There are many thousands of lives around me that I will never care about, even if they dropped in my lap and did care if I care. Since I refuse to mask and refuse to show an intimate care for anyone around me, no one will ever extend me the same. I’m not bitter toward anyone regarding this realization. I cannot change reality and this realization is not a new one. Reciprocity defines the social contract and reciprocity is beyond my grasp. Therefore, I will soldier on alone until I am bones and dust.