Violent Static

I could be in recovery for any number of things.  Alcoholism, drug use, eating disorders, and criminality have defined my life at various times and to various degrees.  None of my demons will ever truly go away; they are merely mitigated and silenced on a daily basis.  I suppose that is what separates the 77% of psychopaths that are in jail from the 23% that I would term “successful.”  As with any personality disorder, the challenge to mitigate the symptoms of such is enormous.  Many fail.

I wish that I could say that I will never relapse.  I know that I will, however.  My therapist cannot always be there to ensure that I am on the right track.  My mindfulness wavers in and out throughout the days.  I will fuck up again at some point.  I pray that it won’t be a major failure, but given my gravitation toward extremes, it could very well be.  One day maybe I won’t be able to keep my balled fist to myself.  Another day I could pick up the bottle and get behind the wheel once more.  Maybe I’ll snuff myself out revisiting amphetamines.  I’m not optimistic about my chances in this life.

So what can I do?  How can I ensure I remain alive and one of the 23%?  I suppose the adage regarding addiction holds true.  I will always be antisocial, self-destructive, and careless.  However, each day I can take steps to make sure that it remains in check.  And this will work until one day it doesn’t.  I have to work on my mindfulness and self-awareness.  I have to put my narcissistic delusion in check and remind myself that I am both mortal and vulnerable.  The violent static will never go away, but I can choose to cut through it, one day at a time.


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