Into the Pit

A tumblr follower sent me this note:

There is a strange but empowering freedom to knowing that almost every single person you have ever met, and almost every single person you will ever meet, would fear and despise you and wish for your death if they actually knew the truth about you. You can draw strength from it, set yourself above others.

And the same follower (I presume) sent me this follow up note:

It’s worth noting that, according to the (admittedly rather dubious and hypocritical) standards of society, you and others like you already *are* the bad guys, whether or not you’ve actually done anything bad.

They make a good point, though I do not wish to look too deeply into the exact wording that they use.  Many in times of strife use their plight as a means to reach farther and dig deeper for the energy required to make their situation better.  I don’t believe the psychopath loses sleep over her position in society, however.  Her narcissism already has her believing that she is above others, however the status of being the bad guy can lead to an even more potent ego-boost.  When you are better than everyone and feared, what more is there to attain?

I suppose that I related to the note above for a few months after my psychopathy was confirmed.  I hid in the shadows, wrote under a pseudonym, and generally tried to hide every real world clue that could be tied to my condition.  I did draw a bit of strength knowing that, perversely, I held the ethical ground that the neurotypicals of the world laid claim to.  However, this was ultimately unsatisfying.  What was in it for me if I was to remain mute?  That is when I transitioned from a faceless voice box into something more, sending my ego to ever greater heights and challenging those directly that wanted my head (as well as my brethren’s).

I wanted to go into the pit, and to challenge head on those that opposed me.  There is something perversely satisfying about being in everyone’s out-group while remaining untouchable.  I have been convicted of no crime and I do not intend to commit actions in the future that would be deleterious to my freedom.  The window in which the neurotypical could harm me has passed.  I may be the bad guy, but ultimately all neurotypicals can do is grumble unless they want to literally take my head.  I am anathema, hated and abhorred, and my ego wouldn’t take it any other way.

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