Everyone wants to cure someone. I remember when I came out as transgender. Various family members showed up at my apartment door and demanded that I reconcile my “sins” with “God”. They gave me religious literature and prayed for me while in front of me. It was degrading though amusing. Of course, I did not repent and this caused a strained period in which I did not talk to my family for many years. I lost friends for the same reasons and I began to live life as a loner, trusting few and hating nearly everyone. I don’t care if others want to cure some other third party; they sure as hell better not be trying to cure me.
I used to lose sleep over the fact that some will persecute others. The transgender is persecuted by the cisgender. The homosexual is persecuted by the heterosexual. Blacks are persecuted by whites. Psychopaths are persecuted by the neurotypical. Sometimes these persecutions are justified, sometimes they are not. On an individual level, behavior can be deemed acceptable or unacceptable to those holding power who can then exact their power on those that they can subjugate. I used to lose sleep, but I do not any longer. The childhood mantra of “being oneself” means nothing in the world in which we live in.
My dreams are often filled with violent imagery and the deaths of myself and others. I often awake in a cold sweat, having felt an all too real death of my being. My therapist and I spent time discussing this recently as I have not had a “good” dream in months, if not years, at this point. She surmised that my subconscious was focusing on what my consciousness has been feeding it: death, destruction, and chaos. For all my hedonism, my life is spent with a focus on death, rather than with that which composes a life worth living.
Every bone in my body aches. It has been two years since a diagnosis of ASPD was made regarding my personality. In that time – initially skeptical of such a diagnosis but since coming to accept its validity – I have made efforts to show restraint to bring order into a life of chaos. I’ve mellowed my antisocial ways, trying on various cadavers in order to stay in the good graces of society and those around me and to no longer tempt fate in the ways I once did. At what cost though? Am I slowly killing myself in order to avoid what may never be?
My therapist often reminds me of my distorted thinking. I tend to assume the worst case scenario when presented with any situation. Whether it is my fate after returning to work after an extended leave of absence or my own ability (or inability) to recover from foolish financial decisions, I often believe that the worst case scenario is the probable scenario regardless of any evidence for or against such an outcome. Combine this with the Borderline’s black and white thinking, and I live in a perpetual state of both nihilism and pessimism. I believe that such cognitive distortions are a result of many facets of my personality, most notably the aforementioned Borderline Personality Disorder and, to a large extent, my psychopathy.
I was on medical leave due to a particularly vicious Bipolar depressive cycle for a couple of weeks and my restlessness reached a peak that I’ve never seen before. Years of hemorrhaging money via my impulsive ways combined with a final realization that things have to change caused me more or less to lie paralyzed in bed. In many aspects of my life, I am an addict. In all cases, it is because the status quo is simply unbearable. The land of tranquility for others is my personal purgatory.
What differentiates me from others that write on the subjects of ASPD and/or psychopathy is the degree to which I am open and transparent with my readership. I do not write under a pseudonym and I am transparent with the benefits and challenges that the conditions present me. I try my best to paint the picture with as much clarity as possible and to give true examples from my own experiences in order to bring the world of the abstract into the concrete. I have been honest with my intentions of publishing a book and in explaining the role that my readership has. I continue my promise that I will be transparent on all fronts and for this I must mention the elephant in the room.
I’m sick again and dangerously so. Longtime readers know that I suffer from Bipolar Disorder II and that the onsets of episodes are quite random and can last anywhere from a few days or a few months. When I am hypomanic, there is usually no effect on my writing – if anything, I may write more. But, when I am depressed, I tend not to write at all.
It’s frustrating. I have no reason to be depressed – life is objectively pretty swell – but the depressive episodes are coming hard and fast and each episode is more severe than the last. My brain is committing malfeasance. I don’t know when I’ll be better as this is all the result of neurochemistry and not at all due to external factors.
I hope to be back with meaningful posts soon, but I did want my readership to know that my absence is not one of boredom or apathy. You may consider signing up for posts by email (see the right sidebar on desktop) if you want to know the exact moment that I am back.
Thanks again; I hope to being writing again soon.
A claim made in Simon Baron-Cohen’s book The Science of Evil is that a lack of empathy directly leads to “evil”. That is, if there is no empathic bond to the pain or joys of another being, then others are merely fleshbags to use and abuse. For the purposes of this post, let us accept his claim as true and let’s accept the societally held definition of “evil”. Let’s follow this through to the end and see what this has to say about the neurotypical and their selective empathy and whether the psychopath can truly be responsible for all the evils in the world.
This post is a logical continuation of yesterday’s post.
It would be fallacious to assume that all of the 23% of psychopaths who aren’t in prison are well-adapted, just as it would be as fallacious to assume that all of those in prison are necessarily maladapted. Luck and proclivity play a part here. While rarer these days, I still have a penchant for some activities that are contrary to the law; in this sense I believe that the successful psychopath is merely less criminal on average. Certainly one can be psychopathic without having broken any laws ever, but this is a difficult path to walk and the psychopathic mind with its selfishness is certainly primed for antisocial and/or criminal activity.
Nevertheless, I find it difficult to communicate with those that are more inclined to be lawbreakers than me. As I wrote in yesterday’s post, I have a mental block when it comes to understanding those voices that demand some bloodletting from time to time. I understand fully those that leave me messages on social media proclaiming agreement with my notion of relative restraint, but I have a very difficult time understanding those that legitimately struggle with their violent or destructive fantasies. This often makes me feel like a heretic, not just in relation to society but in relation to my fellow psychopaths as well.