Yesterday I visited a friend that I have not seen in several months.  We had the usual small talk and then moved on to other topics.  In my current age of solitude, it was pleasant to interact with someone that I actually respect.

The conversation turned toward our endeavors as of late.  She remarked about major life changes that she had chosen as well as other anecdotes that I can no longer remember.  She and I were very close when we lived together as roommates a while back and she knows of my sordid past.  Out of curiosity, she asked what foolishness I have engaged in as of late.

I’m sorry, I really don’t have any stories right now.  Things have been fairly quiet.  New job, solitude, and side projects take up my time.

That’s good!  Your stories often … concern … me.

It hit me with her response – as well as mine – that maybe my antisocial actions are starting to wind down as I gain further insight into my own mental workings.  Yes, my antisocial thoughts and Borderline overreactions will certainly always be present until the day that I expire.  However, I need not let them control me.

I’m currently reading a book on mindfulness.  It is geared toward the Borderline, but I believe that techniques therein can certainly apply to the psychopath as well.  As I grow older, I must be mindful of my thoughts and prevent them from becoming actions.  I must be cognizant of the disconnect that I will always have between the firings in my brain and the actions of my hands and tongue.  Once I finish the book, I will share any insights that I may have gleaned.

That said, winding down my actions – even if I never become particularly prosocial – does not invalidate the person that I am.  It is unfortunate that my weak identity needs the glue of mental illness to piece together fragments into a person, but shying away from the actions that define those disorders does not invalidate me as a person.  I will never be “cured” of my proclivities, but I can still be true to myself while avoiding transcendence into an all-consuming hurricane of destruction.  I may simply have less sordid stories to share.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *