I never learn.   Just when I think that I’ve conquered Borderline tendencies of splitting – that is, elevation and devaluation of others to a magnitude not justified – my proclivities manifest in full force and destroy everything around me.  While extreme elevation is not realistic or healthy, the devaluation (and the interactions with my psychopathy that make such devaluation especially cruel) that I impart is devastating.  I send those around me to the guillotine and then wonder why my kingdom has only one citizen.

I’ve been dealing these cycles of destruction to others for all of my life.  Whether it was the person in high school that rejected my advances but was a friend until I tore them down mercilessly or, more recently, my greatest advocate and champion that I attacked, I always lose those closest to me when I submit to Borderline rage.  The pattern is well established by now.  They either wrong, or I perceive them as wronging, me, I explode, and then I ask for forgiveness – promising that such a reaction on my end will never happen again.  Of course it does.  It is automatic, unconscious, and brutal.

I’ve fucked up badly this time and I may lose it all.  This pattern of destruction reared its head and my target was my confidant, touchstone, and healer.  I fear that I’ve lost my advocate, champion, and savior.  I worry what the future will bring without their guidance.  And it is all because I never learn.  I never learn from the destruction that I’ve paved before.  I never learn that even if I cannot see others as human, that I must treat them as such if I want to have any standing other than a pariah in this world.

This may be the natural conclusion as decreed by my upbringing and genetics.  Being unable to forge any long-lasting bond with another because of my propensity to throw them face first in the mud leaves a life broken and scarred.  However, the most damning realization is that I can stop this cycle.  The next time the impulse to destroy comes, I could say no.  I don’t know that I will ever have that restraint, however.  I cannot remember the pain that I have dealt nor received because of actions rendered while splitting.  Maybe next time will be different, but I doubt it.  I am not that mindful.  Even if I cannot feel remorse for the pain that I’ve caused, I can realize that such does not further my own ends.

It shouldn’t be this way.  One day maybe I will build interpersonal relationships that I do not destroy.  In the present, however, my world is on fire and it my fault alone.  My kingdom lies in ruins and the only structure still standing is the executioner’s block.  The only head left to put in it is mine.

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