Fear and Discourse

Earlier today, I was driving down a busy city street when the following all-too-usual and ill-advised scenario played out.  Traffic was backed up in the lane that I was in and the car behind me left a gap so that someone could make a left turn.  However, the lane (going the same direction as mine) to the right of me was clear and traffic was moving smoothly there.  Needless to say, someone attempts a left turn given that gap that I mentioned and gets T-boned by a car heading down the lane to the right of me.  Debris flew everywhere and it briefly looked like my truck would become part of the accident.  It did not and I went on my way, without my heart  quickening even ever so slightly.

I’ve decided to open up the reach of my writing.  Word of mouth among antisocials is nearly non-existent, so my writings face a unique challenge in terms of organic growth.  For many, placing themselves out there in such a naked way would be terrifying.  Many who suffer from mental illness would be petrified to put their experiences out there in a way in which anyone can fuel the flames.  However, just with the car accident that I was nearly part of, I feel no fear.  Maybe this dance is simply a tired one; six years ago I faced a similar period of risk and reward when I came out as transgender to friends and family.  I know the steps and the tempo now, but I also wonder to which extent my psychopathy dulls my senses.  Everything is tired, yet everything may yet be new.  Only by plunging headfirst into the waters, will I find out.

Writing and speaking about antisocial disorders presents unique challenges that few other topics face.  Yes, stigma is common to many mental disorders (or ‘illnesses,’ if you must) , but the vitriol that many have regarding the antisocial is fairly unique.  As always, I believe that society has every right to be wary of, and disdainful toward, bad behavior, but at the same time, for a society built on Judeo-Christian values, it seems quite hypocritical that those that are trying to find restraint and respect are not given a fair shake.  Maybe we aren’t that different in that sense.  I want to throw the entirety of religion under the bus for the actions of a subset toward the non-genderconforming and many in society want to throw all antisocials under the bus for the actions of a subset.

My mind may answer the question for me with its dulled fear response, but, at the same time, fearlessness is the only approach possible when it comes to promoting discourse for the taboo.  I want to discuss my mental conditions.  I do not expect my words to resonate with everyone, but for those that badly need a voice, I’m willing to contribute.  The only way to do so is to step out and test the waters.  I just may be facing a tidal wave rather than a ripple.

Everything is tired, yet everything may yet be new.  Only by plunging headfirst into the waters, will I find out.  Sink or swim, these words may find life again.

Image is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.  Use of this image should not imply endorsement by the image author, Wikimedia Commons user SM14.

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