Targeted Indifference

I’ve always found it terribly difficult to appreciate the struggles of others.  I know that, in modern theory, this often means that I am taking my privilege for granted, but I suspect that my lack of empathy and extreme self-centeredness make such unavoidable.  However, my opportunistic tendencies would suggest that I play on the discourse that benefits me most.  I’ll say the words that will align me “correctly” with those groups that seek relief from their strife, but ultimately I do not care about anyone other than myself.

Those ideologies that benefit me are not worthy of my action, however.  Possibly on a large scale, such efforts can cause gradual change, but, at the individual level, there is little benefit to be had for the energy required to contribute to that larger scale.  I am not one to lend my efforts to a larger mass if my individual effort is not alone to create change.  Along these lines, marching in “sex-positive” parades or contributing to the funeral possessions on the Transgender Day of Remembrance, are pointless to a person as self-centered as myself.  The reward, even if it did exist, is not shaped by one person.  It takes a mass to create change and so long as everyone does not share the mindset that I do, change (or a lack thereof) will reach its inevitable conclusion.  I want the benefit without the effort.

In a way, I am infinitely more honest regarding my motives for change than most.  I am not feminist, for instance, because of the conditional application of the theory by that group.  Often, the queer, transgender, subversive, etc. need not apply.  I do not actively support gay rights for similar reasons – the rights are tailored to “homonormative” couples.   There may be merit in the work of these groups seeking change that would affect millions of people, but if I cannot have my slice of the pie, then I certainly do not care about those that would benefit.   It’s business.  If I want change, it is because it would benefit me.  If change will not benefit me, then I have little reason to join the cause.  Energy expenditure is not free, after all.

I do not pretend to treat all life equally.  I have no moralistic reason to do so.  I may have an affinity for my fellow ASPD and/or psychopathy-bearing brothers and sisters, but even then, I write about our causes because it ultimately serves me.  I do realize that for society to function, not everyone can take this approach and mindset.  I also realize, that – for most – the individual reward will never justify the individual effort.  I won’t say that my mind is completely closed, but I have yet to be given a reason to care.  I suppose in this sense, I’m really not that different from the neurotypicals that I condemn.  However, I do not claim to hide behind morality while showing my complete and utter indifference.  It is ironic, that the master of deceit is essentially more honest on this front.  My indifference is targeted and my search for reward is even more so.

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