Confluence: Knives

This is the final post in the trilogy portraying how my Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder interact with my ASPD.  The first two posts dealt with hypomania and depression.

Borderline Personality Disorder is  a frightening affliction to those on the outside.  They see the scars of self-mutilation and are often victim to the afflicted’s ‘splitting’ tactics.  Others see the instability of the borderline and wonder how on earth someone can be so unstable.  The ASPD Borderline is especially unhinged; they are cruel with their manipulation and abandonment.

As I mentioned in the previous post, when I am depressed as a result of bipolar fluctuations, I want most that which I cannot give – empathy.  Having dropped my mask as of late – growing tired of the strained effort of fronting the face of a neurotypical – many in my social circle have abandoned me.  With that in mind, I chose to mutilate my own body, inflicting knife wounds on very visible areas, in order to draw others back in.  I could care less about the scars.  My body is my canvas and I will use it to manipulate others.  I want to see their looks of horror.  I want them to feel the pain that I am feeling while depressed.  Such actions are underhanded, but are invaluably effective.

The borderline also engages in ‘splitting’.  Splitting is the word used to describe the way in which a borderline elevates another to extreme levels of adoration only to turn to complete disgust should that other person prove unable to live up to such a godlike status.   When others fail me, they become without worth.  I become more than disappointed with their failures;  I want them to realize their lack of value.  I cut them from my lives and spread gossip regarding their insolence to anyone that I can find.  I don’t merely devalue them; I go for the kill.

I am a complex person with many disorders.  Each of them feed into one another and the end picture is not pleasant.  I can mask all that I want, but, ultimately, if mania or depression hits, it is wisest for those around me to go into hiding.  My cruelty when I am not in control is not personal, but will cut deeper than any knife.

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