Queer and Loathing

Regret is not an appropriate word for my feelings toward my transgender state.  I don’t wish that I could go back and live a cisgender life, but, at the time time, I would not be opposed to such a hypothetical reversion.  There are drawbacks, of course, given society’s fear and disdain toward transgender individuals.  The careful eye and ear can probably determine that something is “off” about me, although unless one is attuned to the characteristics of transgender people, I am usually able to blend in with the crowd.  In many ways, my place in the world is similar to the tattoos that litter my arms.  Depending on how careful I am, the edges can be seen peeking out from underneath my long sleeves, but the true gravity of my difference is kept out of sight.

I don’t feel a need to show off the fact that I am transgender.  I do not feel that I am cheapening my existence by keeping such a facet out of sight.  Just as my business acquaintances do not need to know of the macabre images on my arms, most have no need to know of my genetics.  It is not to my advantage for them to find out and my ego suffers none from such a component of my true self being hidden.

Gender and sexuality mean so little to me these days, that I wonder why I ever transitioned in the first place.  I do not consider myself male or female.  Neither do I consider myself straight or lesbian.  I am an opportunist on all fronts, taking the shape of whatever person is needed in the moment.  Unless there is a need, which there has not been in a while, to seduce, I honestly do not care if my target is male or female.  Unless there is an expectation for my presentation, I combine varied components of male and female dress to achieve my goals.  Life is merely business, and I reach into the toolbox to define myself in such a way that is most beneficial for the moment.

All of that said, there will always be a handicap resulting from my decision to transition.  I am feared, arbitrarily, and loathed.  I suspect that many of my endeavors and schemes in life would be much more easily had if I were cisgender.  I do not lose sleep over this, though.  My fluidity combined with my sociopathy leads for a life that can be spent without concern for boundaries.  I am a shapeshifter and I merely reinvent myself, over and over again, producing a new person every day for the challenges and opportunities at hand.

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