These past six months have been more rewarding and busy than any in my life up to this point. Writing on a daily basis and communicating with other ASPD-spectrum individuals has taught me a lot about the condition and myself. However, I cannot shake the eternal boredom that comes with the sociopathic condition. Being occupied is not the same as being free of boredom.
I’ve written about the boredom that comes with the condition before, but I’ve had more time to reflect since those words. I do believe that sociopaths and ASPD-spectrum individuals are at the their most reckless when they are bored. I’m not particularly convinced that anything can alleviate that boredom and the eternal need for stimulation. To say that we are junkies is not an apt comparison. We were never satisfied to begin with; we simply, and tirelessly, search for anything that provides any meaningful satisfaction with what we have.
Boredom may not even be the best word to describe the condition. When people are bored, they tend to mean that there exists something that will satisfy them and that they simply need to move on from what they are doing in the present to that other unknown activity. Maybe they are bored with the driving they most do to get to point A, but they know that once they get there that the boredom will cease. Boredom for the sociopath is much more severe. For me, there is nothing that will quench it. I can simply bounce from activity to activity gaining some modicum of satisfaction and pleasure but I know that I will never find any activity that will completely satisfy or please me. Everything is fleeting and nothing is satisfactory.
This is what I mean when I say that occupation is not the same as alleviating boredom. My days are incredibly busy with my professional life, my personal life, and the time I spend writing and communicating regarding a subject dear to me. I have little “down time”, but an excess of time that does not satisfy me. I continue because I do enjoy my writing and correspondence, but, even then, one can enjoy what they are doing and still be bored. This may not make sense for the neurotypical; I get that. The best analogy I can think of is that of eating a highly flavorful meal that was not sufficient in quantity to leave one completely full. There is some enjoyment to be had in the flavors experienced, but the feeling of being hungry still lingers and will only intensify over time. Just because I am occupied and enjoy what I do, that should not imply that my thirst for anything more filling does not exist. This thirst is both eternal and accelerating.