Rewriting History

Being both transgender and psychopathic means that I have to intentionally keep my past obfuscated.  I do this for two reasons.  The first is to secure my mask: by eliminating data that runs contrary to the person my acquaintances know me as, they will not be able to see that I am transgender for instance.  The second reason is to maximize the information I can get from others.  By revealing very little and asking a lot, I can use what the other person reveals for maximum benefit.

I want to remain in the shadows as much as possible.  To that end, I reveal extremely little about my past, or I completely make it up to those around me.  It is not to my advantage for others to know that I am transgender.  It is not to my advantage that they know anything that would identify me within a larger context.  I constantly reveal false memories of childhood and my education in order to keep others off guard.  Outside of a deep friendship or relationship, such knowledge is useless to them anyway.  What does it matter if I lie about where I grew up or my social activities?  I want to remain safe and secure behind my mask, one that projects normality as my antisocial and transgender side remains tucked away from their eyes and ears.

People will reveal their own workings and history when presented with a void.  Maybe they hope that I will reciprocate.  Maybe that just want to hear their own voices.  Most likely they are flattered by my interest in them which serves two immediate purposes: to avoid the pressure to reveal my own past and to siphon information from them.  People love to talk about themselves.  What they fail to realize is that I am constantly taking internal notes regarding what they say.  Everything from financial status to relationship status as well as their favorite music and type of pet can be used for exploitation in the future, if necessary.  Don’t get me wrong, I usually find no use for the information.  However, I’d rather have it than not, and focusing the conversation on them and rewriting my own past yields more information than otherwise.

Ultimately, many people know me as many different persons.  Each has a slightly different story – individually tailored for my maximum benefit.  Some will remark that I am cryptic.  Some will mention that they live vicariously through my false past and the associated tales.  All will not know the true me.  Such would make me vulnerable.  It is much more appealing to shield myself and drain them of information in full.  Often, fiction is more appealing than truth.  Sometimes, it is safer as well.

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