Diagnosis: Future

Being diagnosed, via voluntary administration of the PCL-R, as a psychopath is akin to opening Pandora’s box.  I think some will use the diagnosis as a means to do immoral actions.  Some will become wrapped up in self-hatred and fear.  Most, I suspect, will continue on as if nothing happened.  But I think, as described in my previous post, that there is another option that reflects the hope left in the opened box.  For the intelligent psychopath, diagnosis may be the key to finally making the uncomfortable journey of self-discovery.  This is the path I chose.  It is not enough just to determine what makes the person however; they must use this information in order to craft their future.  For the psychopath, this is admittedly difficult, but absolutely necessary.

Being realistic, or thinking at all, of the future is exceptionally difficult for many psychopaths.  If I can barely envision what I want to do in the evening to my morning, how am I supposed to imagine and craft a future in which I implement the actuality of the results of my introspection?  I wish I had a satisfactory answer for that question; I do not.  However, I have come to realize that I will never fully understand myself and that I will merely be a series of identity revisions.  How I view myself today may differ two days from now based on the questions I ask myself tomorrow.  So if we are constantly evolving, what hope is there for a true, defined future?

I will admit that I do not know the answer to that question because I live in the moment.  However, from what I am learning about myself, I realize that the future must be a future in which I keep my destructive tendencies in check.  There is no benefit in landing in prison.  But, beyond that, there is no real benefit in harming others either.  I may not have the bent nor the maturity to avoid harming others – because I do not hold the enlightened thoughts of realizing such is the optimal interaction with the world, even if it may not be optimal for me.  I do not have that belief yet, that I should live by the golden rule.

So I realize that my future must hold to a set of guidelines that I am not privy to obey.  I realize this because I know, through introspection, my alignment and proclivities of today.  I am a destructive force and a blight on those around me in many respects.  However, I am also a friend and a confidant to those I respect.  I am complex and will never be defined by simple rules or characterizations and my future need not either.

So I look, nervously, to the future.  I wonder what it will hold, but I know what it needs to hold with my interactions with others and society.  The future I envision is much different because of the diagnosis I received.  I know myself better as a result and I know how I differ from the expectations society imposes.  But is this really any different from the future the intelligent non-psychopath must construct?  We all have infinite possibility but we must be cognizant of the parameters of the journey.

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