Diagnosis: Reflection

I briefly mentioned my emotions of the actual assessment in the preceding post.  The post was very brief intentionally.  I believe too much is made of the assessment itself, even for the voluntary subject.  A person is not different because of what the assessment reveals in terms of score: if she was honest taking the assessment and the case files were unbiased, then she is the same as she was before the test.  She still retains all characteristics she had prior to the test.  However, she does have a wonderful opportunity to reflect upon herself and her motivations after the score comes in.

When I found out that I was psychopathic, I immediately began to soul-search.  The research available seems to suggest that psychopathy is a lifelong condition and that I will always struggle with empathy, with a need for stimulation, with emotional attachment, so on and so forth.  I don’t necessarily believe things are immutable, however.  Maybe I’ve got a disadvantage and maybe there is some structural brain differences, but I still have the ability to give input to my own life.  I don’t believe that a diagnosis of psychopathy is a sentence; I believe it is an opportunity to get to know one’s self much more intimately.

Unfortunately, the primary literature out there does tend to treat psychopathy as a sentence.  There is interest in “rehabilitating” the psychopath, but little, if any, interest in determining ways in which the psychopath can live with his condition in such a way as to have dignity.  This forces introspection by the psychopath.  I have confidants I can talk to in order to determine how to live my life and what goals I should strive for, but ultimately I am the only one that is completely interested in being both psychopath and free or otherwise socially productive.

I am left to look inside for these answers.  If my underlying “condition” is psychopathy, what does that tell me about the behaviors I employ?  I do not mean this in the sense that I have something to blame for my actions, but rather something that explains my thought processes.  I know the difference between what society considers right and wrong.  I know that I have full faculty.  However, knowing that this condition exists and that there is research available, I can explore my own psyche in an attempt to determine my true motivations and alignment.

I’ve been searching for a while now.  These answers do not come overnight.  I’ll admit, I have not gotten to the point where I’ve reached true understand as to why one should not do social wrong if it benefits him in a meaningful way.  The important part is that I am still searching for answers.  I’m still yearning to know why I am fundamentally different in many ways than most.  Yes, I am aware that we are all unique; that is one of the greatest gifts of life.  Psychopathy is not necessarily a handicap; it is merely a different point of view of the world around us.  This different vantage point leads to wonder and fear but it need not be disabling.  I may struggle to find meaning in my life at the moment, but I do have a goal.  That goal is to better understand myself today than I did yesterday.

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