Because I cannot learn from the past, I look to the future. Because the future cannot be perceived, I am stuck in the present. Unable to do anything but live in the moment, I see myself having no meaning on a grander scale. If I cannot even imagine what I will do in the evening, what meaning does the morning have? I can compose music, I can write, I can even go socialize with acquaintances but it is all so blasé. It is like I am stuck in an infinite loop that I can never escape and that will guarantee that the future is exactly like the present. I think this is the greatest curse of my psychopathy. I need stimulation but I am unable to cultivate my past experiences and any anticipation of the future to write a greater story. The closest I came to executing a grander life plan was with my transition between genders and approximate sexes. Even then, the wonder quickly faded into monotony and my eventual transition happened without much conscious effort. But the days do add up. I’m not getting any younger and I’m realizing that, without the ability to plan for the future and to plan a future not necessarily based on thrill-seeking transient pleasures, ultimately my life means little.
I am a narcissist which makes this even more pronounced. I realize how little I’ve accomplished on a grander scale and it reminds me that I will never be monarch while on this path. I want my experiences to revolve around me. I want others to be constantly in awe and admiration. However, if I cannot compose grand narratives complete with accomplishment and conquest, then how will I achieve that? It is not only that my life has little objective meaning from those looking in; it is also lacking meaning according to my own elevated standards.
It’s not to say that I have accomplished nothing, it just seems so tired and boring. I’ve given international presentations. I’ve destroyed the academic grading distributions. I’ve earned tons of money and built software that affects millions. However, what meaning does any of that necessarily impart? When I’m on my deathbed looking back, what will really stand out as action reflecting my own supreme worth? Because I value neither past nor future, it is nearly impossible to compose that continuous narrative of achievement and an aura of accomplishment.
Maybe the fact that I am worried about such and am asking myself the questions needed to proceed on a more meaningful path means that I’m turning the corner with my psychopathy. While I don’t find any logical reason to be ethical toward others or behave morally except insofar it serves my interests, the fact that I view my current life as devoid of meaning may have the unexpected effect of behaving “better” toward others. With my narcissism, I need validation from others that I am supreme. That validation will certainly not come from those I’ve ruined or wronged. What questions do I need to ask from here? What plans (ugh) do I need to make so that I do not have regrets on my deathbed? Or being so stuck in the moment and so narcissistic, am I ultimately doomed to believe that my life held no meaning, regardless of the views of others?