No new content today. If you missed them, here are some choice posts from the last month and a half with brief commentary explaining what the posts are about. I’m going to try and do one of these ‘recaps’ on the last day of every month given the growing readership and the non-obvious, but intentional, naming scheme I use for posts. Remember, that you can follow me on Twitter: @Psychogendered (you can follow with one click from the widget on the right side of the blog pages) and can contact me with any questions you may have.
Conscience – A look at how questions of morality do not enter the psychopath’s thought process when doing “good” or “bad”.
Passing (2 posts) – What it means to remain in the shadows and to be perceived as a member of a socially accepted group. The first post deals with transgenderism, the second with psychopathy.
Momentary – My personal experience from not being able to value anything but the present. My past and future mean nothing.
Regret – Two posts, LGT first post. Specifically looks at any regrets I have over being transgender and how those regrets are shaped by my psychopathy.
Cull – The psychopath often leaves relationships and friendships on a whim. But is this really a bad thing or do we just know our wants and desires better than most?
Diagnosis (3 posts) – A look at the emotions and thoughts I had when being diagnosed as a psychopath and what I intend to make of the present and the future as a result of that diagnosis.
Vortex – A look into self-centeredness
A news story making the rounds details the savage mutilation of a young Chinese boy who had his eyes gouged out with unspecified tools. The story is graphic. The story did evoke some emotion in me, but it was definitely not of empathy. The immediate response was that this happened to someone else and that it would be unfortunate if it were to happen to me. It was them, not me.
Try as I might, and I do try, I simply cannot empathize with the victim. There is some link that is just missing. I try to connect with the victim because I am still exploring myself. I want to know what I am capable of and what I am not. It has been a while since my diagnosis of psychopathy, but I am a questioning person that accepts little as unquestionable truth. As a result, I constantly try to test my limits within socially acceptable boundaries to see where the ‘true’ me lies. This story was another reminder that I am simple not able to give empathy. However, as I wrote in the previous paragraph, this did elicit some emotion.
Continue reading Them
One of the greatest gifts of my psychopathy is that I place no value judgement on the actions of myself or others. Where many would have a visceral and emotional reaction to seeing a cat rescued from a tree or of seeing a person con another out of life savings, I do not. Whereas some would be quick to place morality, or value judgement, on such actions, I do not. I can see clearly, merely taking in the information at hand and evaluating how it affects me. I am not blown off-course by looking at the morality of it.
Continue reading Impartial
I’ve struggled with chemical mood disorders for most of my life. It was relatively recently that my medical team found out how to mitigate the symptoms to my satisfaction. I am extremely glad that those days appear to be behind me, and distance has allowed me to see how even my mental illness could be used as a psychopathic tool.
People use illness or disability, either real or fictitious, for personal gain all the time. Those with real illness or disability use it to gain the closer parking spot or to obtain a meal that they are simply too weak to prepare themselves. The more sinister feign such maladies in order to leech off of others, to parade Fluffy around wherever they go, and to collect money they are not entitled to. Society, generally, has decided on every level that those that have difficulty due to physical or mental impairment should have help with living their lives as best that they can. It is the extension of the empathy found in most human beings: we help those that cannot help themselves.
Continue reading Exploit
I’m often asked why I use the term psychopath instead of sociopath. Within the primary literature there is as much confusion between the terms between each other and between the syndrome those words model and the official DSM condition of Antisocial Personality Disorder. According to the DSM, neither psychopathy or sociopathy are distinct disorders from ASPD. This is a shame as psychopathy and sociopathy are more “complex” than ASPD. These words represent a complex and seemingly infinite number of representations of a more multi-faceted syndrome. ASPD tends to focus on the criminal side of human nature whereas psychopathy/sociopathy focuses on a mindset that does not require criminality to the same degree for diagnosis. While it is true that many psychopaths and sociopaths have committed criminal acts, it is not true that many ASPD persons are psychopaths or sociopaths. There is clearly a difference. However, this does not explain my choice of the word psychopath for this blog and my discussions.
Continue reading Connotation
If I want, I want it now. If I need, I need it now. If you are available, then you will serve me now.
It amazes me how many in my life believe that I am truly able to care for them. I don’t mean in an empathic sense, but rather along the lines of true interest in others. If we are conversing, then it is because it provides entertainment for me. If we are hanging out, it is because it relieves the extraordinary and perpetual boredom that I feel. I have an intense need for stimulation and I will seek whatever means to alleviate that. Combined with my self-centeredness and my inability to truly care about those around me, it leads to an insatiable vortex that pulls in everyone around me.
Continue reading Vortex
I’ve been living in my target gender and sex approximation for over five years now. The transgender side of me is so blasé that I hardly think about it any more. Granted, I am privileged in that I sound and appear physically as a member of the sex I am approximating and that I have privilege in social status as well. These privileges help this facet of my life take such a secondary role that many impoverished or less “convincing” transgenderists would love to have. However, it is not about the finished product. I may be lucky with how my transition ended, but the transition itself is always unconvincing for anyone that decides to act on gender dysphoria in such a way. To further abuse the overused butterfly analogy, we must go through that ‘cocoon’ stage to get where we wish to head.
Continue reading Cocoon
Sometimes the well must be poisoned to prove a point. The most delightful part of being a well-adapted psychopath is the ability to constantly portray a kind or compassionate persona while hiding my true intentions behind my mask. To the outsider, I may appear as an honest, ethical, endearing person. That is their mistake. In order to play the game well, “meaningful” human interactions and relationships must be built in order to establish rapport in direct opposition to any psychopathic traits. Sure, brute force and well-crafted intimidation may go far in swaying people to do your will (in whatever form that may take), but building a rapport, under false pretense, of trustworthiness and empathy can be much more effective. The psychopath wearing his mask well can be much more successful than the one that does not. The ideal rapport can lead to character assassination and “poisoning the well” much more effectively than trying to the same if viewed through a lens of scrutiny and repugnance.
Continue reading Poison
Being diagnosed, via voluntary administration of the PCL-R, as a psychopath is akin to opening Pandora’s box. I think some will use the diagnosis as a means to do immoral actions. Some will become wrapped up in self-hatred and fear. Most, I suspect, will continue on as if nothing happened. But I think, as described in my previous post, that there is another option that reflects the hope left in the opened box. For the intelligent psychopath, diagnosis may be the key to finally making the uncomfortable journey of self-discovery. This is the path I chose. It is not enough just to determine what makes the person however; they must use this information in order to craft their future. For the psychopath, this is admittedly difficult, but absolutely necessary.
Continue reading Diagnosis: Future
I briefly mentioned my emotions of the actual assessment in the preceding post. The post was very brief intentionally. I believe too much is made of the assessment itself, even for the voluntary subject. A person is not different because of what the assessment reveals in terms of score: if she was honest taking the assessment and the case files were unbiased, then she is the same as she was before the test. She still retains all characteristics she had prior to the test. However, she does have a wonderful opportunity to reflect upon herself and her motivations after the score comes in.
Continue reading Diagnosis: Reflection