Where Nothing Resides … Projecting Psychopathic “Boredom”

I’ve been a bit quiet lately as I haven’t had anything new or insightful to report on, but this comment from a reader raises an interesting question:

I was wondering what you think about the concept that the psychopath is actually very boring to us more normal people? Are they projecting their boredom onto others or is their lack of emotional repertoire the reason they bore others? I would be interested to know what you think about this.

I’m not sure that I’ve ever heard the psychopath referred to as “boring”, but I can see where this question is coming from.

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Searching for the Unnameable … Motivation, Goals, and Stimulation

Motivation is very difficult for me, especially as I grow older.  The relatively focused drive I had back in my late teens and early 20s has evaporated as I near my 30s.  When I was young, everything was full of relative wonder and I had not yet come to believe that nothing can be truly stimulating and satisfying.  I suppose I had goals back then, but they were nebulous and ill-defined.  “Get my degrees and I can do … things,” I told myself.  What things?  I didn’t know then and I don’t know now.  How the NT can plan into the future in a realistic fashion and summon the energy to see it through is beyond me.  Why would I spend so much energy on anything when the end result is neither guaranteed nor stimulating and satisfying.

I feel like a junkie looking for some fix that will bring a true and lasting high.  I scour through the possibilities that lie all around me, try each one on for size, and conclude that I really gained nothing.  I suppose that the lack of long-term and realistic goals as well as the insatiable need for stimulation are the biggest drawbacks of the psychopathic condition.  Now, ten years later, I’ve come full circle: “get another degree and I can do … things”.  This is what I try and tell myself, but the nagging thought in the back of my mind remains.  What things do I wish to do?  Will I be stimulated enough along the way in order to see this nebulous goal through?  Is there anything in life worth experiencing?  I don’t mean this in a fatalistic or depressed sense, but in a logical one.  When nothing registers as enough, how could I be motivated to move forward?  How can I climb the stairs before me if I’ve convinced myself that they lead to a place that cannot be reached or if I otherwise do not know where they go?

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Will Anything Ever Satisfy? … Psychopaths and Boredom

When people say they are bored, they often mean that they simply are tired of the activity that they are engaging in and that something else would alleviate the unsettling condition.  For the psychopath, in general, there exists nothing that is satisfying for more than mere moments at a time.  The grandest scheme or affirmation of our self-grandiosity only registers in a positive manner for the briefest of time.  Endeavors and activities that don’t reach that level tend not to register at all.  It is the single most damnable aspect of the syndrome.

Imagine that you are stuck in a lecture hall listening to a boring presentation on a topic that you have no interest in.  Now, imagine that that presentation will never end until you die.  There is no hope of being stimulated.  There is no hope in becoming invested in the discussion at hand.  You are trapped in a living hell.  For many psychopaths, this is exactly what their eternal state consists of.  There is simply nothing that comes close to providing appropriate stimulation.

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One of the most unsatisfying aspects of the psychopathic condition is the ennui that is present as a result.  Everything is tedious and relatively little satisfies for more than mere moments.  No sense of accomplishment is enough to fuel the megalomania.  No thrill is enough to relieve the boredom.  Nothing is measurable in terms of enduring satisfaction.   When others say they are bored, they often mean that they merely wish to read a book or do some other activity than that which they are currently engaged in.  No, psychopathic “boredom” is much worse.  There seems to be literally nothing to fill the void of our minds’ creation.

I am determined to gain something from this life however.  I’m not one to race toward the worm-riddled wooden box at the end of this life.  I’m in no hurry to leave even if I have little reason to stay.  So, I’ve been left to find a purpose for this life: something that excites and something worthy of my own deep-seated narcissism.  And, maybe I’ve found that purpose if only I can realize it.

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I’m counting down the days until I move.  The decision was fairly sudden and not particularly well thought out, much like my decision to transition years ago.  I have relatively little holding me in place here where I currently live and it will be nice to live in an area of the country that is more tolerant and accepting of transgender people.  However, I’d be lying if I said that was anything but a secondary consideration for my impending move.  No, my main motivation is to help curb the wanderlust that is always present and can never truly be satisfied.  My legs are restless and my head needs a new home.

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