Heavily bandaged, shrapnel in my side, the shell calls me again. The shell. The self. The shell. The self. Where does one end and the other begin? The barbed-wire baton is passed back and forth quicker than the eye can see. No reflection. All reflections. Introspection. Contradiction. Why cannot I maintain who I am?
I never learn. Just when I think that I’ve conquered Borderline tendencies of splitting – that is, elevation and devaluation of others to a magnitude not justified – my proclivities manifest in full force and destroy everything around me. While extreme elevation is not realistic or healthy, the devaluation (and the interactions with my psychopathy that make such devaluation especially cruel) that I impart is devastating. I send those around me to the guillotine and then wonder why my kingdom has only one citizen.
I’ve been dealing these cycles of destruction to others for all of my life. Whether it was the person in high school that rejected my advances but was a friend until I tore them down mercilessly or, more recently, my greatest advocate and champion that I attacked, I always lose those closest to me when I submit to Borderline rage. The pattern is well established by now. They either wrong, or I perceive them as wronging, me, I explode, and then I ask for forgiveness – promising that such a reaction on my end will never happen again. Of course it does. It is automatic, unconscious, and brutal.
Having power means having the ability to both create and destroy. Unlike the God of the Old Testament, I normally have no need nor want to allow for redemption for those my creations that have failed me. The fire of destruction is clean and pure, and seems often the better route to take with the failures around me.
Any endeavor or interpersonal relationship that I engage in is of my own choosing. I do not waste my time with that which I do not perceive to be beneficial. Sometimes, the bar that I set is very low. The worth of another in my life may simply be the alleviation of boredom that they bring. Other times, the bar is very high, In all cases, I know that I hold the power to determine when my endeavors die.