I’m twitching like a cockroach in its death throes. Every time that I think I make progress, I take two steps back. Impulsivity will eventually ruin me, but not today. Maybe I’ll be a parasite to a host that fights back. Maybe my lack of foresight and goals will catch up with me. It’s quite possible that I’ll put off the wrong person with my supreme megalomania. There are so many facets of this condition that could eventually burn me. I’m a small child, putting my hand on the stove – over and over again – not caring if it is hot or not. My outwardly antisocial behavior may be on the way out, but the secondary traits of the condition may prove more fatal, even if I do not end up in a jail cell. However, that day is not today.
I have many motives for writing on the topics of ASPD and psychopathy. As I enter my 18th month of conceptual continuity with my blog and continue to see exponential growth with readership, the journey is (almost) humbling. I want to be a source for discourse regarding antisocial personalities. I don’t necessarily owe it to anyone, but having been through (and continuing to go through) therapy, diagnosis of ASPD, and assessment of psychopathy via the therapist’s use of the PCL-R, I’m in a position I would have never imagined two or three years ago. I am an intellectual antisocial individual with the resources available to allow for candid conversation regarding one of the more taboo subjects in the human experience. However, it is interesting to note the price I pay for such discourse. While not meaning to turn this post into a narcissistic cluster, I do think that the effect of discourse on the one speaking is an interesting topic and one that should be explored.
I am not certain that the psychopath can feel appreciation. I’m certain this is related to our shallow affect, but it is nonetheless another example of how the psychopath is insulated from the emotional bonds that neurotypicals make with each other. Whether it is having a feeling state for gifts or services received, such emotions of gratitude or appreciation are rarely, if ever, felt.
I went to a family Christmas dinner earlier today. As with last year, I ended up sleeping through dinner only to wake up to presents under the tree for myself. Therein was a non-trivial amount of money and other goods and it was clear that there was some sacrifice by those who gave me the presents. I quickly put the money in my wallet and left without acknowledging the gifts. Yes, that reaction was fairly callous – entirely for other reasons related to a general disdain for family -, but I didn’t feel appreciation anyway. As another example, my therapist will go out of her way in order to make sure that I’m okay during times of severe bipolar depression, and I intellectually realize that she is doing such but emotionally I am not grateful for such. I can fake appreciation, like many other emotions, but ultimately there is no emotional bond between me and the one who did good things for me.
I am a loner. I do not value the company of inferiors, especially neurotypical ones. I get all of the social interaction that I need by teaching and communicating with those who are antisocial. Even then, I do not care about their lives or their hopes and dreams. I am concerned solely with my own will. The company of fleshbags is simply not appealing.
I’ve written before about the bubble that exists between the psychopath and those around him. Our lack of affective empathy creates a rift between us and others. We cannot feel their pain nor their joy. We can see what lies before us but can never touch. However, the pain of such can only exist if there is a true desire to be with others in anything beyond a superficial level. I don’t want people in my life, I want potted plants. I want people to be there when I need them, but I only want to interact with them on the shallowest of levels – “feeding” them occasionally and ensnaring them in such a way to where they can’t leave on their terms – only mine. This is in alignment with the psychopath’s intense self-centered nature.
The psychopath, should she have goals, finds that many of her goals never come to fruition. In line with her self-grandiosity, many goals made are simply unattainable by anyone with such a position in life. In Kent Kiehl’s The Psychopath Whisperer, for instance, we hear of the assassin of James Garfield, Charles Guiteau had “plans” to become an ambassador to foreign countries as well has a strong desire to marry rich. The fact that he had little worth in life, was disbarred as a lawyer in one state, and was an unfocused mess did not deter him from trying, although his plans never reached maturity.
It is also common for the psychopath simply to lack long-term goals. This more closely resembles my own life experience. I drift from residence to residence, never settling down or even imagining what it could be like to settle down, start a family, plan a career, or any number of “goals” that the neurotypical seeks day in and day out. I am a nomad in more than the literal sense of the word. The first goals I can ever remember truly setting for myself are quite recent and may or may not be realistic. I want to create further discourse on ASPD and psychopathy if only to understand myself better. Whether one person, a psychopath at that, can do that is uncertain at this point.