These are strange times. The young woman, that I mentioned in this post, and I have hit it off well enough and I find that I am, as a result, stuck in limbo. My ennui is at fever pitch. She is neurotypical and demands my good behavior, which is not an unreasonable request. However, I ache. I don’t want to be impotent for the duration of this relationship. I want to maintain the ability to be callous and cunning, manipulative and powerful, but I recognize that my sins are a burden to her. Not that I want to make her a target of such behaviors, but I don’t believe that I want to be strictly prosocial in all areas. I preach restraint, but in reality, I’m advocating relative restraint for the psychopath. We still have that niche that we fill and there are still behaviors that are strictly adaptive in a world of prosocials. Giving that advantage up entirely is madness.
I realize that I am far from the prototypical psychopath; for that I am grateful. I have my freedom and my status in society by remaining undetected and by slinking through the shadows. I am not prototypical in large part because I choose restraint – a topic that I have written about innumerable times at this point. However, the act of restraint does not quiet the antisocial mind. It grows hungrier and thirstier, wishing that it could validate its own existence by the pints of blood that its body could collect. And, it grows more aware of its presence in a world that claims to be prosocial. The psyche realizes that it is utterly alone by necessity and turns to self-loathing. Why would anyone choose to be blessed with a gift that can never be used? Why have a mouth if one cannot feed?
I do not wish to imply that this psychic dilemma is one shared by many other psychopaths – but it is one that is common with other forms of mental illness. The Borderline often wishes she was less tumultuous with her relationships – knowing that it is unlikely that such will ever come to fruition. The Bipolar wish that they could reach stability so that their jobs were not on the line with each downturn or surge. Those who are not neurotypical – used here to mean ‘functionally healthy in mind’ rather than non-psychopathic – clamour for the ability to blend in with the crowd and to be known for their individuality rather than their illnesses. The realization that this is not the case – and never will be – leads to self-loathing.
I still check in with the clinician that diagnosed me from time to time. She helped me get through some dark days of my life and knows my life story better than anyone else. She is a touchstone in my life. She is an empath and has always been non-judgemental toward me. And, as such, she helps me stay on the straight and narrow when, left to my own devices, I may stray. I bring this up because of a remark she made a while back that really struck me. She noted that I had really “owned” my psychopathy in the time since that initial denial long ago. She was right; I have come to accept my differences from the larger population and have, in many areas, used that for the greatest self-benefit possible. However it is more than that, it is a realization that there is no shame in who I am and no doubt of what I am. If others want someone who is empathic and ethical at all times, they can look elsewhere. If they want to associate with a master of gamesmanship and live vicariously through my words and actions, they can certainly tag along for the ride.