This is a continuation of the previous post. The crux of my dilemma in last night’s post was that I was unsure whether one’s natural state can be augmented. If psychopaths are animalistic, can they evolve to be human? Restated, does one’s past dictate one’s future? Or, because of our modicum of free will, are we given the opportunity to have a future that diverges from our past? I spoke with many readers and read comments from many more as the concept seemed quite polarizing. However, I think I’ve answered my question. Because we have free will, however limited that may be, we have the opportunity to break free of whatever alignment we are born with or become. It may not be easy; it may require contortions, but we have that opportunity as humans.
I grow tired of everyone trying to justify my condition. “Oh it must have been due to abuse; it’s okay to act this way as a result.” “Obviously your genetics are flawed and you can’t control that, it’s okay.” I’ve heard countless other pathetic excuses as well. Some of these are used by those that want to fake ASPD and/or psychopathy for some reason and some of them are from those that wish to white knight my condition. Everyone needs to cut out their tongues and these words. I am a demon. I am created in God’s image and it is my choice as to whether I will live or die by this condition. The choices I make determine my humanity, not the warbling of the social justice movements seeking to make saints out of the condemned.
When I mucked up my heart with drug use, the complications dictated that I take heart medicine for the rest of my days. When my rampant jams due to a then-unnamed mental disorder threatened my life and my freedom, I turned to therapy for the long haul. My life is complicated. For that, I am grateful. If I was a simpler creature without the (slight) impulse control that I possess, my life could be much different – if I were still alive to this point. I am not a caricature. I refuse to embrace the caricatures that so many associate with psychopathy and ASPD. I realize that a non-trivial number are, however, and they are truly lost. Not I.
The only way to know that there is a wolf in disguise among your sheep is to look for the paw prints. The classic, successful psychopath is not nearly as restrained as I am. Once again, lest the reader misunderstand, I am no saint, but I am certainly not the sinner I was in the past. I’ve heard countless accounts from neurotypical readers where they associated with possible psychopaths, let them in close, and then were surprised when the flock was dead. At the risk of stirring paranoia, I wish to warn the reader: many psychopaths that are not incarcerated are on the lookout for new prey. This can take the form of your wallet, your livelihood, or even your emotions. They wear the clothing of sheep to get close to the shepherd.
I’ve had my share of therapists over the years. I’m convinced that many of them merely listened to me prattle on without offering any sort of educational guidance. As such, I was deeply distrustful with my current therapist at first. I wasn’t in her office by choice; my ex-husband forced me into therapy as our marriage was nearing the point of no return. “There’s nothing wrong with me,” I told myself. “So what if I drink excessively, ruin interpersonal relationships, have no self-identity, etc.” I didn’t see any flaws in myself even though the warning bells were going off in my head regarding my place in the world. I suspect that most antisocials and most psychopaths cringe at the idea of therapy. “Things are going well enough,” we tell ourselves. Are they?
When 77% of psychopaths are imprisoned and the remainder tend to be whirlwinds of destruction, it’s hard to say with a straight face that things are truly fine. Eventually our ways will catch up with us, we can either choose to flail about and delay the inevitable, or we can seek assistance from those trained in the art of psychology. It’s up to us as individuals.