Motivation is very difficult for me, especially as I grow older. The relatively focused drive I had back in my late teens and early 20s has evaporated as I near my 30s. When I was young, everything was full of relative wonder and I had not yet come to believe that nothing can be truly stimulating and satisfying. I suppose I had goals back then, but they were nebulous and ill-defined. “Get my degrees and I can do … things,” I told myself. What things? I didn’t know then and I don’t know now. How the NT can plan into the future in a realistic fashion and summon the energy to see it through is beyond me. Why would I spend so much energy on anything when the end result is neither guaranteed nor stimulating and satisfying.
I feel like a junkie looking for some fix that will bring a true and lasting high. I scour through the possibilities that lie all around me, try each one on for size, and conclude that I really gained nothing. I suppose that the lack of long-term and realistic goals as well as the insatiable need for stimulation are the biggest drawbacks of the psychopathic condition. Now, ten years later, I’ve come full circle: “get another degree and I can do … things”. This is what I try and tell myself, but the nagging thought in the back of my mind remains. What things do I wish to do? Will I be stimulated enough along the way in order to see this nebulous goal through? Is there anything in life worth experiencing? I don’t mean this in a fatalistic or depressed sense, but in a logical one. When nothing registers as enough, how could I be motivated to move forward? How can I climb the stairs before me if I’ve convinced myself that they lead to a place that cannot be reached or if I otherwise do not know where they go?