The liberal concept that everyone is deserving of, and capable of, love is laughable to me. Love is little more than a chemical reaction to shared interests and other commonalities. People describe a burning desire to the see the other person succeed as well as an emotional state that renders them vulnerable and blinded. Often logic gets thrown to wind as individuals in love succumb to emotional decisions rather than rational ones. In general, the psychopath experiences none of this, and if he does, it is exceedingly rare and usually with “less” disordered individuals. This point has been explored thoroughly in this blog and I will not revisit the topic in depth here. What I wish to focus on in this post is the concept of loveability, the state of having others love a person. Liberal voices decry the proposition that there exist those that are unlovable. While it may be true that there is some probability close to 1 that someone on this earth may be compatible with a person, the logistics of finding such an individual are often negligible. Just as the left tries to sweep the concept of antisocial personalities under the rug, they try to give false hope to many that simply will never see the love of another.
The question of disclosure has been weighing on my mind heavily as of late. Under what circumstances should a psychopath or otherwise antisocial disclose their status and to whom? I already see my antisocial readers rolling their eyes as they read these words. “No true antisocial would reveal themselves,” they probably are thinking. I certainly can understand that as the degree of disorder rises, the inclination to disclose weakens. However, I do believe that there are matters that affect psychopaths that today’s zeitgeist of being “more antisocial than thou” silence. I have reason to believe that I am not the only antisocial individual that seeks a bond with the world. I also have reason to think that a level playing field is agreeable to many antisocials. The reasons may vary, but ultimately there are legitimate thoughts that would lead to disclosure. The reception may – at this stage of human progress – be chilling and unilaterally hostile, with some exceptions, but this is part of the calculus that any antisocial must perform when determining how he wishes to relate to another human being. I encourage all of my readers to put down their preconceptions and defenses for a moment and examine the charged subject of disclosure.
My life is cyclical. My depression and hypomania come in waves and my acquaintances are subject to a revolving door of membership in my life. For nearly three years now, I have been writing on the subjects of ASPD and psychopathy and I have spent countless hours communicating with others that are ASPD and/or psychopathic. This entire time, I’ve been living a dual life as both sinner and saint. Yes, I’ve matured over these past three years and as I approach my 31st birthday, I appear to be on a trajectory to improve my life further. What I am unsure of is whether I can continue honoring my antisocial self while also projecting an image of love and compassion to those around me. I am unsure whether the demon and the angel can live in coexistence. I do know that the cycle has to be broken. I must begin to form compassionate connections with those around me if I want to be anything but a perpetual loner, discarding all that dared to come to close. I do know that I have to ease back, and with that in mind, have deactivated the ASPD-centric tumblr that I used to run. What other changes await me? I do not know.
The psychopathic condition – most notably the lack of affective empathy it brings – is a strange one to live with. There can be intense feelings of possession of another, but these feelings must not be misunderstood for what the majority of neurotypicals consider to be ‘love.’ One can have a possession and care greatly for them, fending off any that would dare try to destroy or steal said belonging. However, all possessions eventually are lost to time and, in my case, once that happens, the thought of what they once represented is gone forever. For this reason, I suppose that it is the present moment that matters, knowing full and well that entropy will eventually turn all to dust.
I talked recently about my feelings going into to future relationships. I know that, as a psychopath, I will remain predatory and that the fate that is best for any potential paramour involves them staying far away. However, I’ve been wondering about my motivations for even seeking a relationship. The truth is, no one is interesting or otherwise worth my time. My supreme narcissism and self-centeredness has left me viewing others as mere slabs of meat – slabs of meat that can be devoured but with as little invested interest as one would squash a fly. Most of the time, I am indifferent to others around me. The exception is when I am hostile toward others. Some would call these symptoms of an attachment disorder, though the name concerns me not. All I know is that I am surrounded by those that I cannot care about. They aren’t worth my time; no one is.