I know that I’m repeating myself, but it has been awhile.  Whatever remnants of my antisocial spectrum disorders continue to fade as I grow older and the line between conscious and subconscious restraint blurs.

I’ve been thinking about the nature of my failed interpersonal relationships.  I tend to go nuclear, causing a certain finality to occur, rather than ghosting.  I suppose that it would be healthier to simply vanish rather than viciously ending those interpersonal relationships that I find irritating or otherwise unfulfilling, but no matter how many times I remind myself of this fact, I still detonate.  I don’t have any answer for this self-inflicted problem.  I know that many under the antisocial spectrum – especially those with comorbid Borderline Personality Disorder – act as I do.

For those of you that are more graceful with severing interpersonal relationships, please share your techniques in doing so if you once acted as I did, or if your natural proclivity is to explode as I do.

I will probably not be updating regularly, but it may be possible to write briefer, more frequent posts, since I have said nearly everything there is to say regarding the antisocial condition.  I don’t wish to waste my time nor my readers’ time.  If you are curious about those projects that I still engage in, in other areas, please feel free to reach out to me.  I wear many hats and this blog is merely one outlet for my creativity and drive.  However, I am not going to muddy the waters; this blog is for my writing, not my other endeavors.  At thirty-one years of age, I am hopeful that my antisocial ghosts will only haunt me in mind and not in action.  In as much, I myself have become a ghost as well, merely haunting my old arenas and letting the words of the past remain steadfast in their aegis.

Compassion – A Verb, not a Noun

Compassion should be considered a verb and not a noun.  That is, I do not buy that people are inherently compassionate.  There will always be exceptions to their alignment, and, often, the misfits of society need not apply for such compassion.  However, compassion is a conscious choice.  The person showing compassion is making an effort to give mercy where the situation need not demand it.  Everyone is capable of compassion, but many choose not to show it.  I propose that the healthy individual cull those that refuse to act compassionately.  What gain is there to be had in associating with an individual that refuses to help another in need?  Eventually they will choose not to help you in your time of trial as well.  As I meditate and become more interconnected with those around me, I am making difficult decisions regarding those that I keep in close proximity.  My emotional bonds may be non-existent at the moment, but I certainly do not wish to keep those in my life that will not be there for me when I need it.  As the proximity to oneself increases, the bar to be cleared by those in such proximity must be made higher.

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The Waterhole

My continued evolution mirrors those that go to fetch water.  At first, an individual will satisfy his own needs, and gather water from the well with his hands.  He will be quenched, though he has no way to avoid going to the well in the future, as he has no way to retain the water he scoops up.  He then returns with a canteen, satisfying his needs for a longer time and allowing for the storage of a sufficient amount of water.  Finally, he returns with both canteen and pail, so that his needs are satisfied as well as those around him; he can return to others with the pail of water and continue his journey with the filled canteen.  As an antisocial individual, I first obtained my necessities by deceit, considering only the moment when acting.  I later learned measured restraint, finding ways to keep my needs met beyond the moment – ignoring derailing impulsivity for the moment – and was satisfied longer.  Now, I am starting to learn to meet my needs in conjunction or in harmony with the needs of others.  It may not be an automatic consideration, just as one fetching water may need to provide the pail himself, but the end result is all the same.  What was once simplistic and only quenching in the moment is slowly evolving into a lifelong struggle to satisfy the needs of all.  This weighs heavily on my mind as I continue to dwell on the nature of interpersonal relationships.

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Do There Exist Unlovable People?

The liberal concept that everyone is deserving of, and capable of, love is laughable to me.  Love is little more than a chemical reaction to shared interests and other commonalities.  People describe a burning desire to the see the other person succeed as well as an emotional state that renders them vulnerable and blinded.  Often logic gets thrown to wind as individuals in love succumb to emotional decisions rather than rational ones.  In general, the psychopath experiences none of this, and if he does, it is exceedingly rare and usually with “less” disordered individuals.  This point has been explored thoroughly in this blog and I will not revisit the topic in depth here.  What I wish to focus on in this post is the concept of loveability, the state of having others love a person.  Liberal voices decry the proposition that there exist those that are unlovable.  While it may be true that there is some probability close to 1 that someone on this earth may be compatible with a person, the logistics of finding such an individual are often negligible.  Just as the left tries to sweep the concept of antisocial personalities under the rug, they try to give false hope to many that simply will never see the love of another.

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More on Disclosure

The question of disclosure has been weighing on my mind heavily as of late.  Under what circumstances should a psychopath or otherwise antisocial disclose their status and to whom?  I already see my antisocial readers rolling their eyes as they read these words.  “No true antisocial would reveal themselves,” they probably are thinking.  I certainly can understand that as the degree of disorder rises, the inclination to disclose weakens.  However, I do believe that there are matters that affect psychopaths that today’s zeitgeist of being “more antisocial than thou” silence.  I have reason to believe that I am not the only antisocial individual that seeks a bond with the world.  I also have reason to think that a level playing field is agreeable to many antisocials.  The reasons may vary, but ultimately there are legitimate thoughts that would lead to disclosure.  The reception may – at this stage of human progress – be chilling and unilaterally hostile, with some exceptions, but this is part of the calculus that any antisocial must perform when determining how he wishes to relate to another human being.  I encourage all of my readers to put down their preconceptions and defenses for a moment and examine the charged subject of disclosure.

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