While I embrace the transience of my relationships with others, I still find it unsatisfying that those brief interpersonal relationships are growing fewer and farther between. It’s hard to go from person to person when you cannot obtain person-things to begin with. Something about me says “stay away.” Some aura I give warns others that only pestilence will be had if they bring me into their lives. I don’t know that I’ll ever understand why this happens. I don’t see anything that needs to be changed about me. I’m not even hellbent on destroying interpersonal relationships anymore. Nevertheless, there is something that screams danger about me.
If I had to pick the common denominator in all of the failed interpersonal relationships – friends, romantic partners, family, etc. – throughout my life, it is me. Some may have left because I was too emotionally absent, while others may have left when I was overtly callous toward them, but it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, it was my actions or inactions that caused nearly every interpersonal relationship that has come my way to collapse. My wiring will never change, even as I mellow and embrace relative responsibility, so rather than run from those bridges I burn, I must turn to their light to better understand my own place on this earth.
I know that I’m repeating myself, but it has been awhile. Whatever remnants of my antisocial spectrum disorders continue to fade as I grow older and the line between conscious and subconscious restraint blurs.
I’ve been thinking about the nature of my failed interpersonal relationships. I tend to go nuclear, causing a certain finality to occur, rather than ghosting. I suppose that it would be healthier to simply vanish rather than viciously ending those interpersonal relationships that I find irritating or otherwise unfulfilling, but no matter how many times I remind myself of this fact, I still detonate. I don’t have any answer for this self-inflicted problem. I know that many under the antisocial spectrum – especially those with comorbid Borderline Personality Disorder – act as I do.
For those of you that are more graceful with severing interpersonal relationships, please share your techniques in doing so if you once acted as I did, or if your natural proclivity is to explode as I do.
I will probably not be updating regularly, but it may be possible to write briefer, more frequent posts, since I have said nearly everything there is to say regarding the antisocial condition. I don’t wish to waste my time nor my readers’ time. If you are curious about those projects that I still engage in, in other areas, please feel free to reach out to me. I wear many hats and this blog is merely one outlet for my creativity and drive. However, I am not going to muddy the waters; this blog is for my writing, not my other endeavors. At thirty-one years of age, I am hopeful that my antisocial ghosts will only haunt me in mind and not in action. In as much, I myself have become a ghost as well, merely haunting my old arenas and letting the words of the past remain steadfast in their aegis.
Compassion should be considered a verb and not a noun. That is, I do not buy that people are inherently compassionate. There will always be exceptions to their alignment, and, often, the misfits of society need not apply for such compassion. However, compassion is a conscious choice. The person showing compassion is making an effort to give mercy where the situation need not demand it. Everyone is capable of compassion, but many choose not to show it. I propose that the healthy individual cull those that refuse to act compassionately. What gain is there to be had in associating with an individual that refuses to help another in need? Eventually they will choose not to help you in your time of trial as well. As I meditate and become more interconnected with those around me, I am making difficult decisions regarding those that I keep in close proximity. My emotional bonds may be non-existent at the moment, but I certainly do not wish to keep those in my life that will not be there for me when I need it. As the proximity to oneself increases, the bar to be cleared by those in such proximity must be made higher.
My continued evolution mirrors those that go to fetch water. At first, an individual will satisfy his own needs, and gather water from the well with his hands. He will be quenched, though he has no way to avoid going to the well in the future, as he has no way to retain the water he scoops up. He then returns with a canteen, satisfying his needs for a longer time and allowing for the storage of a sufficient amount of water. Finally, he returns with both canteen and pail, so that his needs are satisfied as well as those around him; he can return to others with the pail of water and continue his journey with the filled canteen. As an antisocial individual, I first obtained my necessities by deceit, considering only the moment when acting. I later learned measured restraint, finding ways to keep my needs met beyond the moment – ignoring derailing impulsivity for the moment – and was satisfied longer. Now, I am starting to learn to meet my needs in conjunction or in harmony with the needs of others. It may not be an automatic consideration, just as one fetching water may need to provide the pail himself, but the end result is all the same. What was once simplistic and only quenching in the moment is slowly evolving into a lifelong struggle to satisfy the needs of all. This weighs heavily on my mind as I continue to dwell on the nature of interpersonal relationships.