I’m in a period of my life in which I have many more questions than answers. Eternally skeptic, I am probably a bit too obsessive in my search for “truth” when it comes to what resides between my ears. The topics of interpersonal relationships, “love”, and my role in these endeavors have been focal points as of late. At one point I truly did believe that the psychopath could not have any investment or “buy in” to any sort of interpersonal relationship. This seemed to be confirmed by my own willingness to pot my plants and leave them in the window until they died, essentially neglecting human interpersonal relationships. As of late, I’ve begun to question the unilateral nature of this assertion. I’m starting to think that the answer to whether psychopaths can invest themselves in interpersonal relationships is “kind of, sort of, depending on the circumstances, maybe.”
It’s been a while since I’ve written. I do not waste my readers’ time with ramblings that are not directed and I do not waste my time if I have nothing to say. I thought that maybe some time off would help my psyche; can it really be good to be surrounded in darkness at all times? I wanted to see if I could unwind the intricate and interweaved relationship between “me” and my psychopathy. I wanted to test the waters of trying to live in that state of ignorance once more. I thought about what it would be like to no longer be “pg”. And, I’ve come to realize that the condition and myself are permanently linked, just as they always were, even before it had a name.
My therapist and I had a lengthy discussion about morality this evening. I’ve been struggling the past few days with knowing where I lie on such a spectrum ranging from ‘pure good’ to ‘pure evil’ after confessing some particularly damning thoughts to her. I’m an ardent intellectual and the knowledge that I could not separate the expectations of society and other pressures from my own internal view of self – which is weak, of course – bothered me quite heavily. Did I care where I lay on the spectrum? Did I not care? Was it better to know or not know? etc. etc.
At what point do we cross the boundary that society has set for us? More importantly, at what point do we cross the line between ‘okay’ and ‘not okay’ that we police ourselves with? Do we know when we are on the wrong side of it, or does it sneak up on us? These are all questions that I’m struggling with after a particularly thought-provoking therapy session this evening. I thought I had a bead on my own alignment. Am I just lying to myself instead?
I occasionally get inquiries as to why behaviors and activities such as recreational drug use fall under the antisocial umbrella. The DSM-IV lists one of the criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder as being (paraphrased) a lack of interest for the safety of others or self. From this diagnostic trait, it becomes evident as to why drug use would be considered antisocial in nature. Use of some drugs and misuse of other substances can certainly result in self-harm; I know this all too well. What of other activities that blur the line between a disregard for the self and others? What about reckless driving or other adrenaline seeking behaviors? Do the lines blur with impulsivity? Just how distinct are the characteristics of this disorder? It’s all a bit fuzzy.