My continued evolution mirrors those that go to fetch water. At first, an individual will satisfy his own needs, and gather water from the well with his hands. He will be quenched, though he has no way to avoid going to the well in the future, as he has no way to retain the water he scoops up. He then returns with a canteen, satisfying his needs for a longer time and allowing for the storage of a sufficient amount of water. Finally, he returns with both canteen and pail, so that his needs are satisfied as well as those around him; he can return to others with the pail of water and continue his journey with the filled canteen. As an antisocial individual, I first obtained my necessities by deceit, considering only the moment when acting. I later learned measured restraint, finding ways to keep my needs met beyond the moment – ignoring derailing impulsivity for the moment – and was satisfied longer. Now, I am starting to learn to meet my needs in conjunction or in harmony with the needs of others. It may not be an automatic consideration, just as one fetching water may need to provide the pail himself, but the end result is all the same. What was once simplistic and only quenching in the moment is slowly evolving into a lifelong struggle to satisfy the needs of all. This weighs heavily on my mind as I continue to dwell on the nature of interpersonal relationships.
The question of disclosure has been weighing on my mind heavily as of late. Under what circumstances should a psychopath or otherwise antisocial disclose their status and to whom? I already see my antisocial readers rolling their eyes as they read these words. “No true antisocial would reveal themselves,” they probably are thinking. I certainly can understand that as the degree of disorder rises, the inclination to disclose weakens. However, I do believe that there are matters that affect psychopaths that today’s zeitgeist of being “more antisocial than thou” silence. I have reason to believe that I am not the only antisocial individual that seeks a bond with the world. I also have reason to think that a level playing field is agreeable to many antisocials. The reasons may vary, but ultimately there are legitimate thoughts that would lead to disclosure. The reception may – at this stage of human progress – be chilling and unilaterally hostile, with some exceptions, but this is part of the calculus that any antisocial must perform when determining how he wishes to relate to another human being. I encourage all of my readers to put down their preconceptions and defenses for a moment and examine the charged subject of disclosure.
“Don’t take your mask off for too long,” they said. “You’ll never be able to put it back on,” they warned. I dismissed such advice as being too restrictive for a psychopath trying to maintain her good standing in the world. You know what, though? They were right. I’ve passed my event horizon and now there is nothing I can do to appear as I once was.
Should one reveal to another person their ASPD and / or psychopathy? How would one even do that? Before the reader’s eyes roll out of their head, I ask them to hear me out. I believe that one of the keys to mitigating the negative consequences of these disorders is to be open and authentic regarding them. For the Machiavellian reader, this may seem counter-productive as all advantage is lost when making such a revelation. However, if a disorder isn’t “working” for you, then there is little choice.
What effect does silence have on the brain? For many with psychological disorders, the ability to speak openly regarding such is compromised. There is great stigma regarding many of the less “cuddly” disorders that ravage many. Few wish to associate with the schizophrenic or the antisocial, for example. So many of us hide in plain sight, forcing ourselves to be mute and contorting our bodies and actions into shapes inconceivable to us. Whether it is the antisocial feigning remorse or the schizophrenic hiding their atypical ways, we enter a form of isolation, being real and honest to no one – including ourselves.