I’m hungry and I need to feed. I’m thirsty and I need a drink. I’m idle and I need to act. The life of the successful psychopath is full of frustration; we know that there are lines that cannot be crossed no matter how compelled we feel to drive further. God knows I want to bludgeon someone out of a combination of boredom and / or hate. Devil knows I need a drink, that all too familiar numbness has been gone for far too long. I want to lash out, and I want to destroy. I know that I can’t. I don’t know that I won’t, though.
My therapist and I got in a somewhat heated argument this evening. I’ve been extremely reckless as of late and generally self-destructive for a long period of time and we have differing views regarding the underlying cause. She believes that I am wanting to self-sabotage whereas I am positing that I am compelled to seek ruin and that choice does not play a role. It’s interesting though, as while I do believe in the free will of the psychopath, I am also apt to believe that such will is hindered probabilistically by the forces of the personality disorder.
This post is a logical continuation of yesterday’s post.
It would be fallacious to assume that all of the 23% of psychopaths who aren’t in prison are well-adapted, just as it would be as fallacious to assume that all of those in prison are necessarily maladapted. Luck and proclivity play a part here. While rarer these days, I still have a penchant for some activities that are contrary to the law; in this sense I believe that the successful psychopath is merely less criminal on average. Certainly one can be psychopathic without having broken any laws ever, but this is a difficult path to walk and the psychopathic mind with its selfishness is certainly primed for antisocial and/or criminal activity.
Nevertheless, I find it difficult to communicate with those that are more inclined to be lawbreakers than me. As I wrote in yesterday’s post, I have a mental block when it comes to understanding those voices that demand some bloodletting from time to time. I understand fully those that leave me messages on social media proclaiming agreement with my notion of relative restraint, but I have a very difficult time understanding those that legitimately struggle with their violent or destructive fantasies. This often makes me feel like a heretic, not just in relation to society but in relation to my fellow psychopaths as well.
I’ve written that the psychopath is merely amoral, but I do believe that the psychopath struggles with silencing compulsions of immorality. Although he may lack conscience, the psychopath is still subject to thoughts of good and evil; it may be that those thoughts are not visceral feelings but intellectual realizations, however. That said, the “fun” or “profitable” option is often the immoral one. Even though the neurotypical is subject to similar thoughts, these thoughts may be much more prevalent for the psychopath. What then is the psychopath to do with these desires? Should he feast or should he show restraint?