Compassion should be considered a verb and not a noun. That is, I do not buy that people are inherently compassionate. There will always be exceptions to their alignment, and, often, the misfits of society need not apply for such compassion. However, compassion is a conscious choice. The person showing compassion is making an effort to give mercy where the situation need not demand it. Everyone is capable of compassion, but many choose not to show it. I propose that the healthy individual cull those that refuse to act compassionately. What gain is there to be had in associating with an individual that refuses to help another in need? Eventually they will choose not to help you in your time of trial as well. As I meditate and become more interconnected with those around me, I am making difficult decisions regarding those that I keep in close proximity. My emotional bonds may be non-existent at the moment, but I certainly do not wish to keep those in my life that will not be there for me when I need it. As the proximity to oneself increases, the bar to be cleared by those in such proximity must be made higher.
My life is cyclical. My depression and hypomania come in waves and my acquaintances are subject to a revolving door of membership in my life. For nearly three years now, I have been writing on the subjects of ASPD and psychopathy and I have spent countless hours communicating with others that are ASPD and/or psychopathic. This entire time, I’ve been living a dual life as both sinner and saint. Yes, I’ve matured over these past three years and as I approach my 31st birthday, I appear to be on a trajectory to improve my life further. What I am unsure of is whether I can continue honoring my antisocial self while also projecting an image of love and compassion to those around me. I am unsure whether the demon and the angel can live in coexistence. I do know that the cycle has to be broken. I must begin to form compassionate connections with those around me if I want to be anything but a perpetual loner, discarding all that dared to come to close. I do know that I have to ease back, and with that in mind, have deactivated the ASPD-centric tumblr that I used to run. What other changes await me? I do not know.
I am, in many ways, a simple person. I am highly egocentric and I do not tolerate discomfort. This has led to the burning of many bridges in which I dart into the night, never to be seen again. I am slowly learning that sometimes bridges can be rebuilt, though. I may not be apt to avoiding my arsonist ways any time soon, but I can rebuild what I destroy. I can also rebuild what simply had to collapse under its own weight.
Given that yesterday’s post on remorse blew up my tumblr following, I thought that I’d share the results of a question I asked my therapist. This question was born from the innumerable asks I received regarding other ASPD individuals and whether they were feeling remorse or something else entirely. I was asked if worrying about one’s reputation was remorse if the individual wanted to go back in time and fix it. I was asked if remorse was solely with respect to harming another. I was given comments by readers that ended up more confused than before they read my post. So I asked my therapist point blank: what is remorse?
It is difficult to hide my indifference toward those around me. For some, I’m willing to wear that mask that will make them feel loved and cherished. However, I only will don that disguise should they require it. There are many in life that accept others with few conditions. There is no point in wearing an uncomfortable mask with those. It would be a waste of energy. These people know that there is something fundamentally different between us, but they will not cast me out. They are perfect for feeding on.