I slept soundly last night. Most of the time my dreams are nightmares and I get little sleep. However, last night’s dreams were pleasant. I dreamed of highly erotic knife play and grotesque violence. I could feel the warm blood covering my body. I could feel the rush of harming another. It was all very placid to me. I bring this up because in my discussion with other antisocial and / or psychopathic leaning individuals, I’ve noticed a trend. We all harbor violent thoughts and fantasies but the successful among us realize that these desires cannot be acted upon. Our minds may wander to the most violent of places but we recognize that our hands cannot follow suit.
Every bone in my body aches. It has been two years since a diagnosis of ASPD was made regarding my personality. In that time – initially skeptical of such a diagnosis but since coming to accept its validity – I have made efforts to show restraint to bring order into a life of chaos. I’ve mellowed my antisocial ways, trying on various cadavers in order to stay in the good graces of society and those around me and to no longer tempt fate in the ways I once did. At what cost though? Am I slowly killing myself in order to avoid what may never be?