Angel or demon, pure or poisoned air, I can be anything that I’d like to be. I have free will even if my proclivities may attempt to lead me in a certain direction. I do not have an internal struggle related to conscience, but the struggle inside that deals with incentive is all but the same. There are many like me, whose internal torsion is all but invisible to the outside world. We drift along a rocky road constantly courting disaster, peace, and everything in between. Too few appreciate such a battle between light and dark, ruin and prosperity.
I’m hungry and I need to feed. I’m thirsty and I need a drink. I’m idle and I need to act. The life of the successful psychopath is full of frustration; we know that there are lines that cannot be crossed no matter how compelled we feel to drive further. God knows I want to bludgeon someone out of a combination of boredom and / or hate. Devil knows I need a drink, that all too familiar numbness has been gone for far too long. I want to lash out, and I want to destroy. I know that I can’t. I don’t know that I won’t, though.
I bought a pedometer wristband the other day. Like many models, it is bulky, but I can take it on and off with relative ease. It has its uses and helps me gather better metrics about my health. I can track where I need to make changes in my life as well as see how far I’ve come in improving my life. Mental health diagnoses are similar except for one key detail: they cannot be put on and taken off at will. A diagnosis can change a person for the better or for the worse and there are no take backs. Too many that seek out diagnoses do not understand that core fact.
I’ve said most everything there is to say on the subjects of ASPD and psychopathy at this point. When the sinner chooses restraint, there is only so many insights that can be gleaned. Rather than closing up shop, however, I’ve decided to poke deeper into my own psyche and to write on those experiences that are strictly my own. The “lessons” may not be easily generalized, but I still believe that there could be merit in such writing. I will continue to write specifically on psychopathy as insights are revealed to me, but I do not wish to succumb to radio silence.
I live a lonely life. I’m not sure whether this is due to my self-loathing from years of childhood abuse, my misanthropy that is fueled by my ASPD and psychopathy, or the fact that my Bipolar disorder makes me much needier than I would like to admit. Whatever the reason, my life is spent physically alone with only those virtual connections giving me any meaning or purpose in an interconnected sense. This does distress me. I may not believe in equality (as I reign supreme relative to those around me), but I do believe in having interpersonal connections.