I feel like I can now write on a more regular basis, like I once did. A break for most of the past two years was definitely in order, as I had burned myself out and tried some other life experiments to try and find some footing, but now it is time to focus on the one thing that goes beyond me – my writing. Do not misunderstand, I am still the same egocentric individual that I always have been, but there is a symbiotic relationship between my boredom and my ability to communicate with others. If you are new to this blog, welcome, and if you are a veteran of my writings, thank you. It feels good to be back.
I have always been shadow, as have you. I simply rejoice in my place in the lands between light and dark, whereas you pretend that all is bright and pure.
If I had to pick the common denominator in all of the failed interpersonal relationships – friends, romantic partners, family, etc. – throughout my life, it is me. Some may have left because I was too emotionally absent, while others may have left when I was overtly callous toward them, but it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, it was my actions or inactions that caused nearly every interpersonal relationship that has come my way to collapse. My wiring will never change, even as I mellow and embrace relative responsibility, so rather than run from those bridges I burn, I must turn to their light to better understand my own place on this earth.
I’m apathetic these days. The entire world, it seems, is gaslighting each other into believing in the very worst in humanity. We seem to be on the precipice of something but what that is, I do not know. Sensationalism and a clear binary partitioning of the masses have trumped discourse and have negated a desire to find common ground between any two individuals that surely have some worth outside of the fire and brimstone sociopolitical climate. It’s sickening to the point that I no longer feel sick thinking about it. I sit back as an observer, wondering whether the madness will end before I am no longer able to observe.
The past five years have been a grueling journey. My arc has not always been well-defined, but a prime directive stood tall: to finally know myself, my capabilities, and the trajectory that I must follow. I have gone from fallen caricature of destruction to a mostly benevolent force with latent shadow. There have been bumps along the way and I have stumbled at times to replace the shadows within with light, but I am finally at peace. Our deeds are the only things that survive our death in this physical realm. We have near-unlimited choice in those deeds we pursue and can inflict great burden, relief, or both on those around us. I have decided, with a degree of finality, that I must be a force for good. There is no other choice.