This December will mark the 5-year anniversary of putting my book out for the world to read. A lot has changed since then. While I do maintain that the experiences in the book are 100% accurate up to the limits of memory, I also feel that some facets of my personality have receded to the point of vanishing. While I was once a proponent of therapy, I am no longer; the costs of guided exploration outweigh the benefits. I can only wonder what correlation exists between symptomatic outbursts and the presence of a professional that should be engaged in curbing such. In my case, having quit therapy two years ago, I have achieved greater realization and stability without my former therapist’s assistance than I ever did with.
If I must choose diagnoses or labels that pertain these days, I would say that we got it right with the proclamation of psychopathy. While I am nowhere near the force of destruction of my teens and 20s, I still have limited goals, self-control, and an insatiable need for stimulation that will never be met. If the PCL-R were administered today, I probably would no longer register as psychopathic, but as serving as a historical marker in my life, I do believe it was correct for the story up to that fateful day in 2013.
What I question most is the diagnosis of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I did have great problems with black and white thinking and a terrible fear of abandonment, but life goes on and I’ve learned to accept the greyscale of life and the finality of decisions. BPD is supposedly able to be mitigated, but at the same time, I did not put in any effort in subsiding those destructive impulses and cognitions. Simply and frankly put, by removing therapy – the constant reminder of action and reaction – from my life, the symptoms more or less cleared up on their own. Unlike psychopathy, whose influence can extend far beyond the damage inflicted on others, BPD is measured almost entirely on the damage dealt to the self and everyone else. It’s too coincidental that those forces dissipated almost immediately upon exiting therapy, and I do believe my former therapist ‘got it wrong.’
I don’t think any of this changes the power of the words I put forth five years ago. The story up to that point was consistent for the most part, although exacerbated under the “care” of my therapist. If we remove that small slice of life when I was in therapy, the story is mostly unchanged. However, I do think that inconsistencies found since then need to be examined and deconstructed.
The conclusion of this will be revealed later this week. There is only one possible ending for this current arc, and it is the glorious realization that labels mean positively nothing to those who transcend.