I feel like I can now write on a more regular basis, like I once did. A break for most of the past two years was definitely in order, as I had burned myself out and tried some other life experiments to try and find some footing, but now it is time to focus on the one thing that goes beyond me – my writing. Do not misunderstand, I am still the same egocentric individual that I always have been, but there is a symbiotic relationship between my boredom and my ability to communicate with others. If you are new to this blog, welcome, and if you are a veteran of my writings, thank you. It feels good to be back.
It is difficult to say how many of my former therapist’s diagnoses for me make sense any more. The common thought is that personality disorders are for life, but I would challenge that. I was a walking disaster for the first 30 years of my life, and am now much less of a calamitous presence, but I do find it both easier to silence erroneous cognitions and to apply a sense of “normality” in my demeanor with others. I still have no real goals in life, am terribly impulsive, irritable, and a void of a person with a void of a sense of satisfaction. I do believe that the confirmation of psychopathy was an apt one, but I also believe more than ever in the neuroplasticity that we all possess. By being radically honest with myself and my proclivities, the chances of severe consequences for my actions are lessened, because the degree of my outward-facing actions has lessened.
I may have toyed with the idea of being a radical force for good, as a tribute to my fallen brother, but I have come to realize that my place is where it always has been: between the light and the dark, the shadows. I am shadow and I surround myself with shadows, knowing full and well that both good and evil reside simultaneously in all of mankind, but by honesty with one’s self, one can use light when light is called for and dark when the darkness is called for, using the correct tools at hand for the situations that demand them. What separates me from the incarcerated, the fallen, and the damned is that I am aptly aware of my abilities and my past. I have no clue about the future, but for the present, the time is here to write again and to restore that faint light of purpose that I once thought I had.
Welcome. It has been too long.