While I embrace the transience of my relationships with others, I still find it unsatisfying that those brief interpersonal relationships are growing fewer and farther between. It’s hard to go from person to person when you cannot obtain person-things to begin with. Something about me says “stay away.” Some aura I give warns others that only pestilence will be had if they bring me into their lives. I don’t know that I’ll ever understand why this happens. I don’t see anything that needs to be changed about me. I’m not even hellbent on destroying interpersonal relationships anymore. Nevertheless, there is something that screams danger about me.
I’ve tried appearing neurotypical. I’ve tried letting myself interact automatically, without attention to those words and mannerisms that might be best for someone else. It doesn’t matter. As I enter my mid-30s, nothing seems to draw people closer for any length of time. For most in this boat, it is because they have deficiencies that they are aware of and wish to change. I do not have such detriments as far as I am aware. I suppose it is possible that my egocentrism covers such warts, but I think that my intellect would be able to sniff such things out. It’s an unsatisfying puzzle indeed.
So I ask you, my readers: have you experienced the same thing as you age? Are you no longer attracting but repelling potential lives? Do you know why you are or are not? I’m not sure I have a problem to fix, but the void keeps creeping in, and I have less tools to combat the eternal void and boredom by the day. In the end, I suppose that’s all I want: a fair shot to rid myself, even temporarily, of the rot that comes with a psychopathic need for stimulation.