These are strange times. My intellectual grasp of the interconnectedness of the world is at peak form even if I do not hold an emotional state toward others living on this earth. Cognitively, I realize that every action I take affects someone else in some fashion and that every action another takes may affect me. In this sense, the grand dance that is life is slowly being revealed to me. What will eventually come my way from such a focus on the intertwined nature of life is yet to be seen. I do not believe in karma, but I do believe that if one seeks to be part of the world, they must respect the world. By respect, I mean that the individual must realize that others have their own unique positions in life and that they exist separate from the observer’s point of view. There are times in which my selfishness and callousness shines through, but by and large, I am morphing into a new being. This is no accident. Months and years of meditating upon my place in the world have brought me to this point and a lesser mind certainly would not reach the same conclusions that I have. These are strange times indeed.
As I continue my perpetual transition from hellion to a restrained (and often, prosocial) force, I find that I am more and more disillusioned with my past. Everything that I’ve written in this blog and in my book is true. I was once a caricature, much like those that I condemn. I’ve resumed therapy and we are quickly closing in on five years of work that we have done. The stars aligned just right for a transformation and I’ve slowly shed my pure antisocial state for a healthy apathy that benefits more than it harms. I don’t know the point at which personality disorders cease to be problematic, but I suspect that I am nearing that event horizon. I feel no remorse nor guilt toward my sins of the past, but I also firmly believe that my past did not work for me. For a social creature, I was destroying even the flimsiest of bonds in reckless fashion. I lost it all in many respects, both monetarily and with respect to my interpersonal relationships. Something had to give, but it was my desire alone that created a favorable trajectory toward rehabilitation.
I still wonder about disclosure. The loophole-seeker in me wants to avoid the subject as it is seemingly no longer relevant. Why would I gush about my unsavory past when the present is far different? On the other hand, I feel obligated to disclose in the hopes of creating stronger interpersonal relationships. I am unsure where my capabilities will lie in the years to come. I am continuing to evolve into something else. It does not seem farfetched to assume that my emotional bonds will increase in number and come more quickly. It also seems plausible that I will continue to shed those antisocial behaviors that I still hold. I toyed briefly with the idea of returning to a callous and selfish state, but that seems unreachable at this point. Just as the former smoker may gag at the smell of smoke – even though she breathed such toxicity for years before – I find that returning to a state that never worked for me is undesirable.
I don’t know where to go from here. In many ways the story is complete, but in others it will never be finished. This is not a tale of redemption, but of realization. I’ve realized my true power, and that power is constructive rather than destructive.