Realization

These are strange times.  My intellectual grasp of the interconnectedness of the world is at peak form even if I do not hold an emotional state toward others living on this earth.  Cognitively, I realize that every action I take affects someone else in some fashion and that every action another takes may affect me.  In this sense, the grand dance that is life is slowly being revealed to me.  What will eventually come my way from such a focus on the intertwined nature of life is yet to be seen.  I do not believe in karma, but I do believe that if one seeks to be part of the world, they must respect the world.  By respect, I mean that the individual must realize that others have their own unique positions in life and that they exist separate from the observer’s point of view.  There are times in which my selfishness and callousness shines through, but by and large, I am morphing into a new being.  This is no accident.  Months and years of meditating upon my place in the world have brought me to this point and a lesser mind certainly would not reach the same conclusions that I have.  These are strange times indeed.

As I continue my perpetual transition from hellion to a restrained (and often, prosocial) force, I find that I am more and more disillusioned with my past.  Everything that I’ve written in this blog and in my book is true.  I was once a caricature, much like those that I condemn.  I’ve resumed therapy and we are quickly closing in on five years of work that we have done.  The stars aligned just right for a transformation and I’ve slowly shed my pure antisocial state for a healthy apathy that benefits more than it harms.  I don’t know the point at which personality disorders cease to be problematic, but I suspect that I am nearing that event horizon.  I feel no remorse nor guilt toward my sins of the past, but I also firmly believe that my past did not work for me.  For a social creature, I was destroying even the flimsiest of bonds in reckless fashion.  I lost it all in many respects, both monetarily and with respect to my interpersonal relationships.  Something had to give, but it was my desire alone that created a favorable trajectory toward rehabilitation.

I still wonder about disclosure.  The loophole-seeker in me wants to avoid the subject as it is seemingly no longer relevant.   Why would I gush about my unsavory past when the present is far different?  On the other hand, I feel obligated to disclose in the hopes of creating stronger interpersonal relationships.  I am unsure where my capabilities will lie in the years to come.  I am continuing to evolve into something else.  It does not seem farfetched to assume that my emotional bonds will increase in number and come more quickly.  It also seems plausible that I will continue to shed those antisocial behaviors that I still hold.  I toyed briefly with the idea of returning to a callous and selfish state, but that seems unreachable at this point.  Just as the former smoker may gag at the smell of smoke – even though she breathed such toxicity for years before – I find that returning to a state that never worked for me is undesirable.

I don’t know where to go from here.  In many ways the story is complete, but in others it will never be finished.  This is not a tale of redemption, but of realization.  I’ve realized my true power, and that power is constructive rather than destructive.

 

The Line Between Freedom and Atimia
The Gospel of Self-Determination

Comments

  1. Rrose says

    It’s odd. I feel it too. It’s the collective think and realization of true self that is irraticating the behaviors and traits running rampit in our society. It is like your post you said you would help others tell reality from delusions. My good friend who is a psychopath has been keeping me grounded and between your blog and him quickly teaching me personal bounderies. I’ve Been under constant assult from npd desperate for supply all around me. I can pick them from a crowd and others have begun to flinch to what once was hypervigilance in me instinctively, has spread itself to each other and we are irraticating those who do not swim in our school of self preservation. We are looking out for each other. I have to adapt quickly because my self destruction has pulled my entire inner circle away when I’m not grounded in my identity. But I can create my own bounderies. It is the irraticating of narcissism from our selfie selfcentered society.

    Higher animal interconnectedness of instinct is dictating group think in society my alleys. We fall in line with humility or be irraticated. Self preservation is evolving our relationships and you certainty in self has allowed you to remove from self-centered behavior and bring humanity together.

    It’s going to be a hell of a fight guys but we’re on the winning side of history.

  2. afruedtolove says

    It seems that I am a few years behind to reply. I’m always late to the party.

    I’m in the middle of an assignment that involves criminogenic needs re. the Andrews and Bonta “Risk and Need” model of rehabilitation in a criminal justice setting. I never was all that interested in prison work, always figured I would wind up there. I haven’t yet. It is an odd model because it focus’ on CBT as the primary therapeutic skill set. Just quite interesting that people are so unbalanced that basic cognitive awareness changes their entire life outcomes. Just a simple dose of the bread and butter of the counselling world.

    How was it that I somehow stumbled upon this, excellent, maybe I can will throw some internal dialogue at people.. I have been surrounded by ethics for 2 years and It is slime, I suppose my life is better. I recommend taking your time crawling out to the more humane side; though I am sure you are self aware- to a fault.

    Enjoyable to see an internal growth in peers, pleasant change from the same school yard games we have “done to death”. Good luck out there.

    • Jessica Kelly says

      While I may not post anymore, I still read many of the comments. It’s good to hear from others that have their own experiences. Good luck to you as well!

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