Uncomfortably Numb

This comment is particularly interesting.  The comparison between depression and psychopathic impulsivity seems particularly apt when we consider the numbness that the psychopath lives through in life.  This “numbness” is often referred to as psychopathic boredom or the psychopath’s need for stimulation.  Nothing satisfies, so the psychopath turns to more and more extreme measures in order to feel anything satisfying regarding life.  Some snuff themselves in this fashion, and many others end up in jail seeking a short-lived high.  When neurotypicals speak of ‘boredom,’ they mean that they’d rather be doing something other than that which they are engaged in at that moment.  When a psychopath speaks of ‘boredom,’ he means that he is numb and seeking anything that will release him from that state, knowing full and well that the odds are against him in finding such a panacea.

Before therapy, I was much more unhinged.  Drinking ever-increasing amounts of liquor was common as I became accustomed to the numbness that lesser amounts would bring.  I would drive intoxicated, not caring whether I killed myself or anyone else.  I would drive reckless, even when sober, just as a means of feeling anything.  I turned to cutting as a means of feeling as well.  I would occasionally engage in various crimes, just for the thrill, and would also seek out other thrill-seeking activities as well.  No matter which ill-advised activity I engaged in, it was never enough.  I wanted to feel anything, to live for once, but never did I come close to being satisfied.  Therapy taught me to not expect any satisfaction, and that combined with restraint has mellowed me out significantly, but I still wonder if anything will ever be enough.  I am numb but not comfortably so.

You and I have two different definitions of boredom.  You are irritated, whereas I am completely resigned to my numb fate.  No matter what I seek out, I will be like the junkie, trying more and more extreme deeds in order to feel in the slightest.  This is the greatest curse of psychopathy.  There can be no satisfaction in life, for all are equal in the lack of sustained stimulation they provide.  No one is sufficient.  No activity is sufficient.  It is nothing short of a curse, as I know that this life will never be rewarding.  Nothing will change that.

Beneath the Surface
Depths of Ruin - Psychopathic Impulsivity

Comments

  1. Joe says

    “You never feel more alive than when you are in pain.” Is this what you are really seeking? That pain and shame you felt so long ago? Keep up the fight!

  2. says

    I’ve had this type of boredom, but mine had a diferent cause which was hormonal issues, not a PD. It went away with treatment. If you ever get rid of it, you’ll probably feel really weird – where did it go? Where did my permanent state go? What am I gonna do without it?. Doesn’t sound plausible? No it doesn’t. But it is.

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