The Voice of Broken Glass

Do not misunderstand me.  I am no one’s advocate except my own.  I care not for the masses foolish enough to be manhandled by the antisocial and psychopathic demons around them.  Nor do I care for those in which I see my own reflection.  What I do is for myself.  My ego may not be fragile enough nor hungry enough to require me to show my talents for all too see, but my will demands that I be in control.  To be in control demands that I control the discourse to the best of my ability.  To be in control dictates that I become both entertainer and educator.  And, this I do gladly even if I feel little reward in return.  Do you want to know the depths of darkness?  Do you wish to become acquainted with the self-destruction and fury of the psychopath?  Longtime readers would know that you’ve come to the right place.  Moving forward, I will revisit topics that dominated the first two years of this blog though with insights that are more current.  I am not cured and I never will be.  What I am, however, is more aware than ever before.

I’ve tried on kindness as of late.  I searched for color that I thought these eyes could see.  I thought that reciprocity would elevate me and give me the connectedness that I’ve long desired.  I was wrong, so I return to my roots.  I return to the darkness that I’ve always found comforting.  I walk alone, as I always have, and I return to serve only myself.  This does not mean that I will now champion animosity, but it means that the roots of compassion have been severed from the tree of kindness, leaving both root and monolith to decay.

My impulsivity has led me astray.  Unable to comprehend nor touch the interconnectedness that will always elude me, I reached out in a futile effort to grasp one last time those “positive” energies that long eluded me.  Now, in desolation, I realize that I never should have left this cold, comforting darkness.  It is not connectedness that will lead me to salvation, but rather my cold will that will lead me from desolation.  The coming arc will shed light on this, do not worry.

Dreams are still in the realm of the ethereal.  Goals do not exist for this woman, only self-preservation, and this was reduced to ash as I reached for those beyond me.  Rather than focusing my gaze in the mirror and onto these hands that have much work to do, I focused outward, neglecting and losing myself in the process.  Every time I plan to include the non-self in my future, I lose track of my own destiny.  No, not fate, but the pure realization of potential.

Monochrome is the best that these eyes will ever see.  Pure precision in the absence of color is better than nearsightedness, no matter how vivid.  We will return to the darker corners of the human condition. We will explore, in gory detail, the arrival of pure apathy.  And, we will see that there is no redemption for the damned.  I am unconcerned with both love and hate.  I do not pine for those I have abandoned.  What motivates me now is self-serving.  Even then, this is not to say that my journey cannot both invigorate my brethren and serve as a warning to those foolish enough to become shadow-seekers.  Let the discourse be mine and pay heed to the voice of broken glass.

The Self-Aware Psychopath
The Vanishing

Comments

  1. Andrew says

    It sounds so hopeless and sad – that you would like interconnectedness but that, even when you reciprocate, it just doesn’t happen for you. How will your cold will lead you from desolation?

    • Jessica Kelly says

      It’s all about managing expectations. If I return to a state in which everyone is in my out-group, then it necessarily elevates the self.

  2. MMS says

    Does this mean you intend harming ‘victims’ going forward, or not? If not, why not? And if so will the destruction be more restrained? In other words does ASPD behavior feature at some level in what you at this stage envisage in future?

    • Jessica Kelly says

      It means that I am returning to a state of self-worship and self-glory. Antisocial actions are merely one set of tools for use in honoring the self. I will never be the madman I was before therapy, but I can choose to move forward in life with a complete arsenal at my disposal.

      • Joe Fredrick says

        As always I find your writings/entries fascinating. Right now you are no different than a severely depressed person that went back to bed after using the bathroom.

        One thing that Sam Vaknin mentions quite often is the narcissist’s “lack of energy”. You lack energy because of your psychopathy and being so self focused. It is obvious that you find it difficult to control your impulsive behaviors – to maintain the mask required to move through this empathetic world. This self focus and mask requires almost all of your energy. So much like a deeply depressed individual you must be easy on yourself and go very slow. You must focus on a single good deed or single act of kindness. Oddly, this single act will take every ounce of your energy and produce incredible amounts of anxiety. You have been in the darkness for so long. It feels comfortable – it is what you know. To you it is easier to feel nothing than something. You went there a very long time ago so it will take a very long time to make it to the light. You are trying. I see it. You can do it. Don’t give up. Don’t give up damn it. Don’t let your inner voice talk you out of it – because I know just like a depressed person – it definitely will. You must continue to force yourself and not give up. There will be a pay-off. I promise you. If you give up it would mean you are “worthless” and “lazy” – the nagging voices of your parents that put you where you are will not ever stop. The more you do to find the light, the more value you will have and the light will ultimately find you and those voices will stop. Don’t give up. Your writings and therapy have moved you closer to the light, but they can only get you so far.

        I feel sure you don’t believe there is an afterlife – but it doesn’t mean you can’t speak to your Aunt. In your mind, she can’t hear you, but what if she can? What if everyone can hear us if we call their name? Thank her for everything (in detail) and perhaps it might let a little light in. This will be an act of kindness and if you don’t believe she can hear you – it still will be the same thing. I bet she can hear you. Just because you don’t know “how to feel” doesn’t mean that it will never be possible. Try and talk to her several times and the memories should slowly emerge. You will miss her. You will feel sorrow. You will appreciate her. You might even shed some tears.

        You are purposely blocking out your emotions like a kid getting hurt on the playground and not letting anyone see him/her cry. You are kidding yourself with your indifference. It isn’t indifference – it is anhedonia. The defense mechanism to anhedonia is impulsivity.

        • Jessica Kelly says

          This is an interesting analysis. I’ve remarked before about how the psychopath is seemingly ever unsatisfied with the human condition. Nothing is fast enough, lough enough, or vivid enough to capture the psychopath’s attention for long. In this sense, it would seem that the analogy between depression and psychopathy is apt. We must not confuse impulsivity with the desire to live harder and faster, however. One can certainly live in a more vivid manner without resorting to actions that were not thought out.

        • Andrew says

          I read your comment, Joe, with great interest. Jessica – if you haven’t – please read Narcissism: denial of the true self, by Alexander Lowen. It talks about blocking emotions as a result of childhood abuse and trauma, among other things. It’s hard to say, I think, how much a person is born with an inability to feel and how much has been blocked due to childhood trauma.

          • says

            I have not read much about it yet, so I’m not sure what to think of Bioenergetic analysis/ therapy, which is what the book is also about – I read the summary and a small preview. The site I consulted is reliable (is the European Association of Psychotherapy website) and cites studies supporting its effectiveness, although some of its newer bases (the more recent development, responsibility of Alexander Lowen and not Reich’s theory) are questionable – it seems that he mixed terms of the exact sciences with the rest of the theory and called for a ill-defined “energy” mechanism.

          • Andrew says

            To be honest – I basically ignored the bioenergetic analysis parts of the book. I still got a lot out of it.

  3. MA32 says

    Even if the treatment resulted in brain changes, you can revert them by simply stop using your brain that way. However, if you decide to go a different direction in the future, keep in mind that the adult brain is more plastic than previously tought.

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  4. Amelia T says

    This comment is not related to this post. If you could email me I would appreciate it as I have a serious enquiry.
    Regards, Amelia.

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