The Vanishing

I’ll be done with this arc soon enough, and I ask you, my valued reader, to bear with me while I flesh out this confusing time.  Longtime readers will note that I have not been writing much lately.  This is partially due to the fact that I have written so many angles on the subjects of ASPD and psychopathy that it becomes harder with each post to find new material that is insightful and engaging for new and old reader alike.  More than this, however, I have found disdain for my communication circles that revolve around antisocials and narcissists.  I grow tired of listening to stories of caricature, knowing all too well that I once was cartoonish with my antics as well.  There is only so much benefit, of which diminishing returns had more than arrived, in communicating with the damned.  I am tired of standing up for those that will not embrace their individuality.  I may be mostly unconcerned with issues of morality, but I am an ardent believer in the fact that individuals are ultimately responsible for their own fate.  Combine this with the fact that I have often been taken advantage of given my willingness to be a resource, and the discourse became less and less important to me.  Where do I go from here?  I do not yet know.

I suppose that I can be a glorified textbox.  I can listen to those that ask for my insight and offer no investment into whether they ultimately succeed or fail in those endeavors they wish to partake in.  As time goes on and I see innumerable wastes of life, it becomes harder for me to maintain the angle that those stigma attached to the antisocial condition are unwarranted as individuals remain individuals.  It is tiring.  I am always open to a change in my opinions and I suppose this blog serves as a chronicle of those processes that drive me and that have evolved over time.  That said, I cannot write solely for myself.  My ego is not that desperate.  I have received countless notes over the years from those lives I have touched, and I am grateful for such input even if my considerations for those lives are minimal.  Hosting is cheap, so I will not pull the plug on the website ever again, but at the same time, I need to meet the high bar I set for myself nearly three years ago: to entertain and educate in a manner that is rooted in logic and that yields both question and answer for the inquisitive reader.  This year, I am unsure whether I am meeting that expectation that I hold for myself.

None of this is meant to be “goodbye” nor a definitive return from the vanishing that I sought.  I have held myself to a code that demands honesty with my readers and I feel obligated to give them an unfiltered look into this struggle I engage in.  I am hesitant to revisit topics that I have written about before, even if newer readers could benefit from a recap of those arcs.  I am also hesitant to provide any writings that do not meet the strict criteria I enumerated earlier in this post.  I am willing to entertain all inquiries, and maybe the nature of this blog going forward will be to have conversations that are bidirectional rather than unidirectional.  I do not say that as a means of applying pressure to my readership, but as a suggestion.   Please, tell me what I can do for you.  Maybe then I will become corporeal once more.  Otherwise – or even with a revival of communication, we shall see – I shall lie dormant more than I am awake.  I am not here to waste anyone’s time and I appreciate all that you, my cherished readers, have done for me the past three years.  I just want to make sure that I am providing the entertainment and education that you desire, for ultimately my words can only be measured by those lives that have been touched, no matter how minutely.

The Voice of Broken Glass
The Parrot

Comments

  1. MMS says

    Keeping us updated on your continued ‘journey’, even if infrequently, would be appreciated and I believe valuable information and for myself this blog is an experience that has definitely left its mark. Thank you for your time up till now.

  2. Anon says

    I’m curious as to what constitutes ‘individuality’ for a psychopath. Is it a selection of the pieces of corpses encountered during a lifespan, crafted together to form a pleasing chimera, or something more than that….? At bottom, what and who are you?

  3. Jessica Kelly says

    I am everything and nothing. Identity is a tricky concept for the psychopath, so individuality must be measured at the smallest level. I play guitar, another psychopath may not. I do not like mushrooms; another might. Ultimately we are composed of differences even if we share similarities to one another. At no point do these similarities excuse us from the responsibility free will brings, however. If myself or another antisocial (or psychopath) chooses to behave poorly and gets caught, it is simultaneously neither a surprise nor anyone else’s responsibility. This is where restraint comes in, even if true prosocial alignment is simply not possible.

  4. BT says

    Hey, Jessica – this essay and the one before it were really enlightening. I did want to add one thing re: an NT perspective – the next step in our logic chains, i think. You commented (paraphrasing) ‘giving of myself w/ all intrinsic/internal benefits + the benefit i try to bestow on others by investing my Time and Energy in helping them realise their potential’ leaves me drained.

    You find that in terms of a ‘battery’ scenario, for all the ‘input’, the, ‘output’ is still greater – a net drain. Next logical step (i think, i’m extrapolating the psychopathic conclusion): Then DON’T DO IT. Because, as you said, if all the components that have ‘weight’ in that ‘net gain/net loss’ equation are comprised of only completely self-gratification oriented Elements, it WOULD be that way. You need more ‘Source of battery recharge’, to balance the equation. And for a psychopath, frankly, to have a sizeable amount MORE coming in than is expended.

    But heres the thing, that next step for the NT is different. HELL YES we SEE when we invest in our kids, friends, relatives – to try to share our experience , strength and hope with them – just to see their patterns remain unchanged. They continue thier feeling sorry for themselves, dwelling on what the havent got instead of what they have, not seeking education because of the effort and duration it would require a Commitment to.

    This is where discernment, logic, analysis of Patterns, etc. help us decide where to invest the only two things we actually have – the same teo as you, our Time, and our Energy (albeit with differnet motives).

    This is where we WILL OURSELVES to give it away *anyway*, for the ones we’re betting stand a chance of making it with a little help, or to whom previously existing Attachment bonds make us want to. I have many teenagers i am a ‘person they talk to’, as part of keeping their head on straight. YES, we have to create boundaries, as do you, so our gift of Time/Energy is not taken advantage of – my methhead goddaughter is one. So duly note i specifically speak of mentally healthy NTs, not sad co-dependents here. We think we can loose the amount we willfully, deliberately give, sometimes committing for exceptional periods of time (as in ’til Death do us part), and help that other person make it thru whatever their rough spot is. For our closest relationships, when it comes down to it, we think it thru, and commit to a course of action, then see it thru, even to the bitter end.

    And THOSE Character Attributes of STRONG attachment – Love, Empathy, Sorrow, Compassion – are what ‘recharges’ our batteries as that ‘other Soirce’, Jessica. We have a power source you are fully aware of cognitively, u just cant experience it. Like a paraplegic, that cant feel his feet touching the woodstove. And yet were it you, you’d holler ‘Ouch!’ and move your foot immediately, instinctively.

    You see how we bond w/ each other – like we do with a psychopath. But that ‘battery recharge’ is unilateral, as it isnt able to be generated by you, because you lack the motor that produces it. For you OR the other person. To do it, you’d have to FAKE it, and still, what the NT ‘engine’ produces, your battery cant be recharged by.

    So i just want to say i empathise with your conundrum – to drain a battery for which no availabe Source can fully recharge it, and yet you’re able to BE an ‘O-/universal donor’ of sorts, to pretty much anyone else’s engines and batteries.

    I appreciate your candor, bluntness, and ability to clearly articulate. This is a very benevolent use of your WILL, and directing it toward the Educative potential that combination presents. And so it is with this NT, drains go out toward one group, but recharges come in from another. So i seek to balance it all ‘net, net, net’, to generally be ok, and to therefore Will myself to continue so doing, each morning.

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