The Self-Aware Psychopath

Most of my kind are rotting in jail.  Why?  Because they are mindless automatons that succumb to desire in its purest form.  They do not know restraint and they fall to the will of impulsivity.  More importantly, they are completely unaware of their own inner workings.  They fail to realize that careful dance that must be performed between the chasm and the abyss.  Do not misunderstand me, even with self-awareness, the damage inflicted by the disorder can be absolute.  My impulsivity and irritability have left me in relative desolation over the years and I am as self-aware as the psychopath comes.  I am not foolish enough to inflict sufficient damage upon anyone to result in my incarceration.  That does not mean that I do not desire such acts, just that I have the awareness not to succumb to desire.

I stumble more than I succeed.  I’ve blown hundreds of thousands of dollars due to my impulsivity and I’ve destroyed more interpersonal relationships than I’ve kept.  All of this is in spite of my self-awareness.  Self-awareness is relative.  Postmortems are easy; keeping myself safe in the moment is difficult.  One day, I may lose it all when I falter.  The successful psychopath must be self-aware 100% of the time, but even the most self-aware of us falter more frequently than we’d like to admit.  Therefore, it becomes a game of roulette.  We are safe so long as the house does not win, but we do not know when green will come up.  If my problems are as evident as they are, and I am aware as I am, then what fate awaits those that are less self-aware?  More often than not, ruin, prison, or death.

There is no such thing as a fully self-aware psychopath.  There are degrees of success and the majority fall utterly short.  For the rest of us, it is only a matter of time before we give into the moment at the wrong place and the wrong time.  The odds of my life ever turning around are slim.  Why?  Because I fail to learn from my mistakes, the greatest of which is a lack of sustained vigilance against my own desires.  That said, I recognize my place on the totem pole.  I am as self-aware as they come and that will give me a better shot of making it out alive.  I am clever, I am smart, and I am mostly self-aware.  These tools make me both placid and dangerous at the same time.  But they are insufficient given that my vision is only perfect in hindsight.

Psychopaths and Emotional Bonds
The Voice of Broken Glass

Comments

  1. Modern Lycanthrope says

    Thank you for writing this, youv clearly spent time trying to reiterate this type of functioning..

    I have exposed myself in many ways ..this has led to destruction through my own lack of understanding other minds..

    What I remain to experience is the lack of understanding/diagnosis from any professional

    And the increasing difficulty to express myself to those who are attached to me (family,friends ect.)

    Which is why Im seeking information or vocal examples of this beautiful way of thinking…

    I feel strongly in my next statement –

    Science is key to understanding a HOLISTICAL Approach.. our society has been built by many closed minds..

    Psychopathy is disregarded as “anti social behaviour”

    I believe, this historical attitude.. is in itself the cause and effect relationship between developing psychopathy..

    Society wants us buried deep for the safety and benifit of the larger populous…

    I conclude – we must use our natural abilities to influence the minds around us..

    I personally prefer the use of facial expressions and body language above all.. it means you can express on a human level…

    Achieving nothing personally but further control in what others see…

    This behaviour disgusts me in light of how much effort emotional/unintelligible people require…

    I’m not yet fully sure how to expose my inner thoughts without causing concern or emotions in others..

    My theory is that we need the professional capacity and the correct subliminal behaviour to prove… WE ARE THE MIDDLEGROUND BETWEEN INTELLIGENCE AND BEAST..

    Afterall.. we all manipulate through pleasent behaviour to surpass social facades.. low therapeutic lies is the norm

    Taking it back to the basics… fuck or kill.. sometimes both..

    Society should cater to its own variety..
    We are part of that variety as primal as it seems..

  2. says

    IMO sociopaths of the controlled intelligent variety, the psychopathic elite, have a distinct advantage over the mass of humanity because they are more decisive, more instinctive, and do have more impulse control. They know what works and they stick with it – over generation and generation – while the mass of humanity, partly due to manufactured divides, propaganda concerning these divides, leaves the mass divided and susceptible to huge sways of change from generation to generation.

  3. Anonymous says

    Im pretty sure Im psychopathic. the thing is nobody believes you when you tell them or they label you as “edgy” and its rly hard for them to understand why anyone like me would want to tell anyone who they are. it seems it is beyond most peoples capacity to even want to understand so to them we are all just evil. i hate how emotionally charged the world is. it makes being yourself 10 times harder. you have to conform to everyone else idea of what is normal just so you cant be spotted or be under suspicion. i remember being depressed from a very young age and eventually that turned into catharsis which kinda became the center point of my personality. it was self destructive to the max, i threatened to kill my father and i may have done so if he didn’t defend himself. thats the part i never tell anyone. i wanted to kill my father because he was a reflection of everything i hated and wished i could be all at the same time. mostly all i wanted to do with my time was smoke weed and play games and i did everything i could to sustain that life style. but nothing lasts forever and eventually something has to give.. so it was me. i gave in to the pressures of society little by little and still drag my feet through the mud to this very day but i slowly find myself coming to peace with the idea that i might never have what i want and that what i want may never be attainable but theres always something better out there i think. really i feel like if i had the know how and the drive i could be a world leader and i would even enjoy it. i know who i am and i know my potential. but living up to your potential is hard when everyone around you doesnt aspire to be very much. from the time i was a teenager to now(25) i have always fealt lost and have had to find my own way to feel ok. now i know there is help for those of us out there who are plagued by thier own minds habitual bullshit. we crave feelings so much that some of us would rather throw ourselves under the bus than actually find enlightenment. i hope one day all of us psychopathic types will find peace. but i know most of us will die wityhout any sense of long lasting happiness.

    • FNP says

      Things I immediately notice about you:

      1. You type like you’re 12. Nobody is going to give a little kid the PCL-R, and nobody is going to diagnose you with ASPD.

      2. Your story is literally a copypasta for the first half, but with shitty spelling.

      3. You really don’t strike me as a psychopath. Like, in any way, shape, or form. You talk about how you crave having all sorts of emotional states like they’re some sort of innate benefit, and about how your mind is plaguing you and such things. If you were actually a psychopath, you really wouldn’t want to become like all the emotional slopfests that everyone else is.

      4. Psychopaths are antisocial and as such don’t give in to the pressures of society very well.

      In summary, you sound like an angsty teen who hasn’t been in contact with the real world much. Plus, you’re some sort of defeatist with low self-esteem, which doesn’t really describe psychopaths. If anything, you’re just alexithymic or something to the point where you want to feel emotions but don’t know how.

        • FNP says

          Direct and to the point, with the perfect amount of “go screw yourself” thrown in?

          It’s a specialty of mine. It’s why I get banned from social media on a weekly basis.

          • Anonymous says

            Reading threads like that I always find how oblivious I am to social context and emotional connotations until someone else comments on it. All I read in the first big blob of text was, “I’m striving for some kind of fulfillment that I can’t get”, completely missed the bit about ‘craving feelings’ since it’s meaningless to my mind (although I can appreciate not quite fitting in). Similarly, the reply starts out as a factual analysis “You won’t get a diagnosis, that’s just how things are” and goes on with a counter suggestion as to what they might be if not a psychopath. As far as I’m concerned that’s genuinely helpful, because I’ve talked to people who are struggling to tell psychopathy from alexithymia or aspergers. I can sort of see, though, where the “go screw yourself” is in there.

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