I find that I can “turn on” affective empathy for those limited few that I form emotional bonds with. The degree to which my affective empathy is expressed is directly proportional to the strength of that emotional bond. Granted, there are many hurdles involved in forming emotional bonds, and I can count on one hand the number of emotional bonds that I have formed in recent memory and none of them have survived more than a few months before becoming of lesser intensity. All of this is confusing, however, given that in the twenty-six years before therapy, I felt none of this. Therapy is molding me and changing me, though at a glacial pace, and I wonder where I end and conditioning begins. I cannot discount the usefulness of having a paid professional helping sort out my myriad strengths and weaknesses, but I wonder if I am losing myself in the process.
The outcome is something that I desire … I think. I want stability in my life – that much is certain – and I want to have some sort of purpose or connectedness with the world around me. My identity has never been strong, so any loss of identity as a result of surrender is not something to fret over, I suppose. The parrot that mimics and repeats what he is given still has his own thoughts, after all. I suppose what ultimately lies in my future is a fusion between the callous energies of my natural state and the progressive force of my “becoming” state. I should be able to channel either, as appropriate, in order to ultimately further my will … whatever that will may actually include.
I am dormant these days, a shell of a superpower that I once was. But, with dormancy comes relative peace, and there is some merit in having stability rather than chaos in a life long lived in the maelstrom. I have written quite frequently in those posts I have published as of late of the nature of those crossroads I face. I am not a child any more and I am quickly entering the zenith of my life in terms of ability and productivity. In many ways, I am still at rock bottom, but in others, I have reached heights that I never believed could come to pass. The role of therapy will continue to play an important part in my life. Without it, I may or may not revert to the chaos of old … though with it, I could very well do the same. I have free will, after all. I do know that I need more perspectives, however. Where these will come from, I do not know. All that I know is that what was once hardened clay has returned partially to putty and that there are still changes that await me. I have new phrases to learn, even if I am doomed to match the cadence of those speaking to me.