Crossroads

I don’t particularly know what to write about these days.  In many ways, I’ve said all there is to say and more regarding ASPD and psychopathy.  I’m in limbo as I reflect on my life and continue with the struggle between restraint and an actual desire to become more prosocial.  Restraint, in and of itself, is merely a state of latent aggression.  If I am merely showing restraint, then it is easy to understand that my underpinnings are still aligned in an antisocial fashion.  However, I am having difficulty articulating why I would want to show organic progress toward behaving prosocially.  I believe there is color to life that I miss out on – and possibly will always miss out on due to my natural state – and I want to see with clarity the vividness that others do.  I want to love and be loved to the best of my ability.  I want to feel connected to the world at large.  I suppose it is that yearning for interconnectedness that gives me pause.  But, is that desire counterproductive and should I abandon my advantage solely because I want to feel purpose and acceptance?

In two very different situations as of late, I have chosen kindness over callousness.   I do not wish to go into detail, but it will suffice to say that in both instances, the fact that I was kind and compassionate did nothing for me.  It was disastrous, in fact.  Of course, a prosocial dance requires a partner.  Maybe after years of abuse and neglect, I lack the insight to make educated decisions as to whom I trust.  By being kind and surrendering myself to another person, I, in essence, became subjugated to their will rather than my own.  I was chasing those colors described in the previous paragraph and was burned as a result.  I do not know whether to succumb to the possible reality of being isolated from the interconnected world around me.  If I decide to return to my callous ways – of which I can still channel as needed, possibly automatically – then I am precluding any possibility of seeing beyond monochrome.  If I continue to expose my soft underbelly, and others are less than angelic, then I will continue to be hurt.  I do not know whether to continue to take chances.

Maybe this is a point in my life in which I no longer have the answers.  I yearn for something that I have never had and I fear becoming hurt once more.  I am unconcerned with matters of vengeance as I am simply tired of this awkward dance that I never was trained to perform.  What do you think?  What should I be doing?  I am proof that individuals are individuals and that there is some degree of change that can be had for the disordered individual.  That said, would I be happiest if I returned to that state that I vowed to leave forever?

The Parrot
Eternal Void ... Refuse and Resist

Comments

  1. MA32 says

    Regressing isn’t the solution. Damn is all that bad luck or is there something wrong with the way you read people – ToM, perhaps? I think you and your therapist should check that out (impairments in cognitive empathy are often seen in people with bpd and bipolar disorder while treated with meds – which you have).

  2. MA32 says

    You said on tweeter: «Everyone has a calculus used to determine how one acts toward those around them. Some focus on the self, while some focus on the other.»

    You may be focusing on yourself too much, thus not paying attention to the signs/ not reading people well.

  3. Anon says

    When you speak of ‘abuse and neglect’ do you mean abuse and neglect that you have inflicted on others? When you speak of ‘hurt’ what do you actually feel – what constitutes emotional pain for you?

    • Jessica Kelly says

      For the purposes of this post, I am referring to the abuse and neglect that I have suffered over the years: the ‘environment’ as it pertains to me. As far as hurt goes, it depends. Sometimes it is a realization that I have been beaten, intellectually or physically. Other times – and more rarely – it is true emotional pain. This requires an emotional bond to be present, which is very rare (and fleeting) for me.

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