Cold, Hard Fact

People always want to see others under the most positive light.  My soon to be ex-roommate learned that one can not do this, and he is paying the price for his naivety.  I told him months ago that I would not be his best friend nor would I be anything but a stoic listener, unconcerned with his day to day existence.  He said he understood.  Every month since then, we’ve had a follow-up conversation that merely echoed my sentiments.  I would not be stretched beyond my breaking point – I was unable and unwilling to be the empathic companion that he desired.  He blew me off, saying I was just having bad days, or weeks, or months.  He knew of my psychopathy but pretended that there “were no differences between myself and others” and that everyone is a “little bit psychopathic.”  I tried to correct him but ultimately lost the energy to fight.  Eventually reality sank in and he came to feel alone and neglected.  He came to the cold, hard fact that I am not anything but a hellion and he has decided to separate himself from me.  This is for the best.  I’m still left wondering, though, why people are so delusional when it comes to the clear characteristics of those around them.

There is no emotion on my end of things.  He was a good friend, until this incident, and I am still unconcerned with whether he will make ends meet or survive on his own.  This is business and impersonal.  I may be irritated with all of the generosity that I have shown him, but that is on me.  Such a state makes it easy for me to move on and I can see his frustration with the fact that I am completely stoic regarding his struggle to reconcile the fact that I am not the person he wanted me to be.  As with the countless ex-friends, lovers, and acquaintances that I have disengaged from before, he will be discarded and soon forgotten from my active memory.

There are those that value me for the person I am.  They know me as compassionate but heartless and logical but impulsive.  They stick with me through the ups and the downs and they know that I rarely make matters personal.  They do not try to change who I am.  I appreciate these people more than my own life.  I cannot bend any further than I am capable of nor past that point beyond which all bones break.  These cherished individuals of mine respect this about me and embrace the cold, hard fact that I am a hellion.  I love them with the capacity of my heart, no matter how untraditional that may be.

People want to see the best in others; they want to see a reflection of themselves in those around them.  However, this clouds judgement and vision, and many become burned and sore when others prove to fit a different mold.  I will walk away from this interpersonal relationship with my current roommate knowing that I have done nothing other than live authentically.  He will walk away knowing that he would not listen to those words that I had been telling him all along.  It’s impersonal.  Believe me, he should be grateful that it was nothing anything else.

Eternal Void ... Refuse and Resist
Killbox 2016

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