My life is cyclical. My depression and hypomania come in waves and my acquaintances are subject to a revolving door of membership in my life. For nearly three years now, I have been writing on the subjects of ASPD and psychopathy and I have spent countless hours communicating with others that are ASPD and/or psychopathic. This entire time, I’ve been living a dual life as both sinner and saint. Yes, I’ve matured over these past three years and as I approach my 31st birthday, I appear to be on a trajectory to improve my life further. What I am unsure of is whether I can continue honoring my antisocial self while also projecting an image of love and compassion to those around me. I am unsure whether the demon and the angel can live in coexistence. I do know that the cycle has to be broken. I must begin to form compassionate connections with those around me if I want to be anything but a perpetual loner, discarding all that dared to come to close. I do know that I have to ease back, and with that in mind, have deactivated the ASPD-centric tumblr that I used to run. What other changes await me? I do not know.
People always want to see others under the most positive light. My soon to be ex-roommate learned that one can not do this, and he is paying the price for his naivety. I told him months ago that I would not be his best friend nor would I be anything but a stoic listener, unconcerned with his day to day existence. He said he understood. Every month since then, we’ve had a follow-up conversation that merely echoed my sentiments. I would not be stretched beyond my breaking point – I was unable and unwilling to be the empathic companion that he desired. He blew me off, saying I was just having bad days, or weeks, or months. He knew of my psychopathy but pretended that there “were no differences between myself and others” and that everyone is a “little bit psychopathic.” I tried to correct him but ultimately lost the energy to fight. Eventually reality sank in and he came to feel alone and neglected. He came to the cold, hard fact that I am not anything but a hellion and he has decided to separate himself from me. This is for the best. I’m still left wondering, though, why people are so delusional when it comes to the clear characteristics of those around them.
I have to own my disorders. Times are changing and the stakes have never been higher. If I want to make it out of this killbox alive, then I have to take all those negative aspects of my personality and send them deep beyond the event horizon. I need to learn to be satisfied with what I do and do not have. For instance, I can no longer hemorrhage money like I have and neither can I bleed the good will of others. I’m old enough to know better. There may not be much beneath the skin, but there is enough to ensure that the rest of my life is different from the first thirty years of it. I’m twitching as the walls cave in, but I still have resources and a way out. Being the best I’ve ever been is not enough; I must be better.