The focus of therapy has changed over time. Before the diagnoses of ASPD, NPD, and BPD and the confirmation of psychopathy, the focus was solely in keeping me alive through the ups and downs of my Bipolar Disorder. After electro-convulsive therapy – which mostly stabilized my Bipolar ways – we focused on my antisocial behavior. Eventually, I would learn how to better control my antisocial energies and the focus would shift again to new bouts of depression and hypomania. This is not the current arc, however. Through nearly five years of psychotherapy, I’ve learned to mellow and to expand my abilities. Simply put, I did not know if I would ever be able to “care” about anything. My life, the life of others, and the shared experiences that we hold were simply irrelevant for the first thirty years of my life. I didn’t know I cared until I cared.
This realization is terrifying. Every time that I think I have a solution to my personality, a tear appears in the fabric. I was content with my prior indifference so long as it was congruent to the proposed explanation for my personality. But, then there appear those things that cannot be explained and the horizon appears closer than ever before. Why now is it that the lives of others have some meaning? Then again, why do other lives not have meaning? What is this wave of consciousness and awareness that is washing over me? And, what are the ramifications of it all?
I was content living in the tunnel, as I knew that the tunnel existed and that the pitch blackness of it all was a function of its structure. But now, I see a disturbance out of the corner of my eye. A light? Perhaps. Or, a sensory miscalibration showing itself. I’m terrified at what any – much less all – of this means. In the end, there may be no simple answer for my personality and the explanation will have to account for the variable of free will. Hopes, dreams, wants, and needs all appear equally viable under this new light. I’m not sure I want my wants. I don’t know what it means to dream. But, I feel as though something is stirring. The dreamer may be simply transitioning between scenes of the imagination. Or, she may be finally waking. And, the waking world is not subject to the false physics of the dreamworld. Maybe, just maybe, there is more that can be done beyond the realms of sleep than within it.