…And the Castle Crumbled

Some of you may have noticed that the blog was down for a little over a week.  I had decided to try and step away from “owning” my psychopathy and my platform, thinking that such was ultimately deleterious to my mental health in the long term.  I’ve been struggling with old demons, namely rapid cycling Bipolar disorder, and to be completely frank, the role of ‘pg’ is often isolating.  Everything is cloak and dagger with those that I interact with and I never form connections with those that seek me out … which is both the price of admission and an understandable truth.  I don’t know the extent to which I could actually form connections anyway, but that is tangential to this post.

One reader who has sought me out and interacted with me outside of these virtual walls frankly told me something that I suppose I needed to hear during these turbulent times with my own mental health.  While it may have not been a primary intent of the writing up to the point I disconnected everything, my efforts have helped many better understand themselves.  I’ve often talked about needing purpose to counter my nihilistic ways.  I’m not sure that I believe purpose exists for anyone, but at the same time this reader forced me to reexamine my exodus.

A shot of adrenaline-fueled intoxication has brought me back from the brink of erasing my efforts these past two and one half years.  I have things to say and to convey once more.  For how long I will be energized, I do not know, but it is time to get back to work.  Along those lines, I have cut the fat from the bone and eliminated the more spurious facets of my platform.  Gone is chat and gone are the forums and we return back to where we started.   However, I have also pulled the trigger on the book that I wrote so long ago – or so it would seem.  I hope to have the work available to a wider audience soon.  Details on this will emerge as it becomes evident (or not) that the distribution chain I have selected has produced fruit.  The beginnings of this effort may be found here.

The castle crumbled but can be rebuilt.  The servants are dead and the baroness sits alone in her quarters.  With fire comes rebirth, however, and it is time to get back to work.  There is much to say and do.

The Canary and the Ivy
Reciprocity

Comments

  1. says

    Yaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy!! I always knew that you could do it… I apologize for being misunderstood a lot.. but I’m very happy with you to see you stand like this. This is what you deserve, a fighting chance. ^^ and thank you thank you to the reader that reached out for you.
    Once again? Hurrah! You were never alone!

  2. says

    Plus.. I think you should keep this part of your journey public as you’ve started it. Don’t undervalue all that you have been through despite how you have come to disagree with it. It’s important to see your efforts as a whole, no matter how painful.. if you feel that. I know I appreciate you meaning this.

  3. Aurienne says

    Welcome back to your lands.

    When your web address refused to give answer, I assumed the usual things from what I know of myself: That you either grew to feel antipathy for this thing of yours, drove yourself into financial ruin, or managed to remove yourself from existence. I’ve no compunction in admitting that it pleases me you are still among us and doubly so that you have chosen to resume paying this place your attentions.

    Regarding purpose, I don’t recall if I’ve prattled on to you on the matter before, but meh: In short we must all construct our own purpose, or at least inherit it from another human being whom we deem suitably superior to ourselves so as to be worthy of such a momentous station. The latter is something I view as unlikely for a psychopath, but the former has proven to be trickier than I ever imagined when I defined this maxim for myself. My purpose is my pleasure and fulfillment, but of course you know full well how transitory and pitiful those moments of fulfillment can ultimately prove themselves to be.

    • says

      Just out of interest, would you find pleasure transitory if it involved manipulating someone or causing them emotional distress for a few months but in such a way that they not only can’t actually call you on it but don’t even understand what is going on?

      And would anyone here consider abandoning the pursuit of pleasure/fulfillment/thrills and instead outsource the seeking of that pleasure (which could be hard work sometimes) to an employer so it’s always on tap and you get paid for it? I.e. to do a job which involves manipulation eg detective, investigative journalist, some researchers.

      • Aurienne says

        “Just out of interest, would you find pleasure transitory if it involved manipulating someone or causing them emotional distress for a few months but in such a way that they not only can’t actually call you on it but don’t even understand what is going on?”

        I’m not totally clear on what you mean. I have been the invisible hand empowering all matter of devilry and betrayal against another while for months seeming to be playing the usual role of concerned friend and advisor. This person was indeed an asshole, and my antics to dismantle his allegiances and arm his enemies against him only sped along his fate, but it was still good times, I suppose. I mean, even telling the story is a tiny bit pleasing. This amount of investment is not typical for me, obviously, unless I have been offended in some way. That was a personal matter. Still it seems to meet the criteria for what you outlined there.

        But all things are still ultimately transitory for everyone. It is simply that for psychopaths we are generally insensate to different degrees (and in different ways) to begin with and the intensity to which we get to feel our reward responses for things is lessened, and the overall “scuff” left by the event on our consciousness is wiped away easily. Same goes for “bad” experiences.

        “And would anyone here consider abandoning the pursuit of pleasure/fulfillment/thrills and instead outsource the seeking of that pleasure (which could be hard work sometimes) to an employer so it’s always on tap and you get paid for it? I.e. to do a job which involves manipulation eg detective, investigative journalist, some researchers.”

        The first part of this paragraph is probably the closest you can get to the genre of Psychological Horror for people like me. >:P In all seriousness, all human beings are strung along by a series of pleasure seeking events – in many ways psychopaths have just been severely pigeonholed in what we can do for deep catharsis and a sensation of meaningful fulfillment. Some do seek out work that is fitting to the personality.

        There is a logical difficulty in your proposal, to start with, because your question amounts to: “Would you stop being a psychopath if:”

        The answer, I am afraid, is always no. Even when we want to, we can’t just stop. We can divert our behaviors the way one channels and dams rivers. We can sublimate the appetites we posess which we know are impossible to fulfill, or that if we were to try and fulfill them would get us locked away or killed. But any one of us who is out functioning in the world at large is already doing those things.

        But we don’t always have to get off by an act of sadism or cruelty. And also, by the way – there’s a whole world of people who will happily make themselves available for sadism and cruelty consensually: Many will even gladly pay for it! But I digress.

        I can only speak for me, but I do other stuff besides twirl my super villain mustache in my secret lair and plot out how I’m going to give my current lovers PTSD so they can go cry about it on an internet forum somewhere. I’m not always a terrible bitch, everything I say to everyone isn’t part of a Grand Tapestry of Domination, and I am sometimes nice because I simply feel like it, and it pleases me to do so. Also if I’m going to animate my vocal cords and face muscles anyway, doing the “pleasant human” impression is much the same to me, and really makes the neurotypicals calm the fuck down, which is less of a headache in general.

        • Jessica Kelly says

          I can only speak for me, but I do other stuff besides twirl my super villain mustache in my secret lair and plot out how I’m going to give my current lovers PTSD so they can go cry about it on an internet forum somewhere. I’m not always a terrible bitch, everything I say to everyone isn’t part of a Grand Tapestry of Domination, and I am sometimes nice because I simply feel like it, and it pleases me to do so. Also if I’m going to animate my vocal cords and face muscles anyway, doing the “pleasant human” impression is much the same to me, and really makes the neurotypicals calm the fuck down, which is less of a headache in general.

          This is beautiful.

        • says

          Thank you Aurienne, that explains a lot. I understand that nobody can stop being a psychopath anymore than they can stop being neurotypical, or autistic, or whatever. I suspect though that the so-called “corporate psychopaths” and “successful psychopaths” out there haven’t stopped being psychopaths but instead have found jobs which reward them for being psychopaths. They’ve merely outsourced their seeking pleasure (such as finding a victim and ‘preparing’ the victim by getting close to them or learning their secrets/fears) to an employer. So they get as much pleasure as they want, perhaps even more than they would if they didn’t have that job. And they don’t have to do the legwork of finding victims. They don’t have to endure dry spells with no thrills because their employer provides opportunities for pleasure.

          And yes that example of turning the asshole’s allies against him while playing the advisor was exactly what I meant!

          I didn’t realize psychopaths can be nice without a self-serving reason behind it. Thank you for educating me.

          If it’s not too presumptuous to say so- as obviously us NTs are nothing like you- I feel I can “relate”, in some small way, to the psychopathic way of thinking. Basically I have all your traits except the life goals one and the one regarding not having a sense of self. But I do have empathy (though not remorse except on two occasions), which of course is the marker of an NT.

Leave a Reply